The Light to My Darkness Read online

  "Time for shots!" Jen yelled and slid one down the table at Bee.

  Bee grabbed my arm. "You can't leave me here with them. You're my matron of honor."

  A month ago I would have stayed. A month ago it didn't feel like my heart physically hurt. "I'm sorry, Bee. I'm just really tired. I'm gonna call it a day."

  She got a worried look on her face.

  "Oh come on," Jen said. "What else would you be doing? You just sit around all day."

  I swallowed hard. Why was everyone taking jabs at me today? Fuck. I put my hand on the center of my chest. The pain is in my head. It's just in my head.

  "Jen," Bee said defensively.

  "Well that's not true." Hailey reached out and grabbed the shot in front of Bee. "She's been writing. Right, Penny?" She downed the shot.

  Yup, Hailey's definitely mad at me.

  "Yes, her great romance," Bee's friend Marie said and lifted her shot glass. "I still can't wait to read it. I've been waiting to buy that for forever. When are you going to get it out into the world? I need my signed copy."

  "I'm trying to get a deal with a publisher," I said, thankful that someone wasn't insulting me.

  I glanced at Hailey. She was staring down at the table like she was in some sort of trance with the wood finish. Why did every bachelorette party I attended end up with arguments about Tyler? Unfortunately, I didn't have enough energy to discuss this with her right now. It would have to wait for another day. Maybe a few days to vent would be for the best.

  It suddenly felt hard to breathe. The bar and it's blaring music was stifling. "Okay, I'm going to get going." I slid off my stool. Another sharp pain seemed to sear through my chest. Fuck that hurts.

  "Actually, I'm going to head out with Penny," Daphne said. "Us pregnant girls need to stick together."

  There were more protests, but Daphne had looped her arm through mine and was directing me toward the door. She was like my savior.

  "Thank you," I said as we exited into the summer heat.

  "Are you okay?"

  "What?"

  "Penny, you looked like you were going to throw up. And your face got really pale. And you kept putting your hand on your chest. Should I call your doctor? Is your chest hurting? You don't look well."

  Why did everyone keep telling me how awful I looked? I grabbed my stomach as my son decided to kick me as hard as he could. Maybe I did feel a little nauseous. I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat.

  "What's going on?" James' voice instantly calmed me down. He had materialized from out of nowhere. He looped his arm behind my back. "Baby, tell me what's hurting."

  Yes his presence calmed me, but Daphne was right. "I don't feel good," I said as I melted into his side.

  I heard him snap his fingers and the sound of rubber squeaking against the asphalt. "Call Dr. Nelson and tell him we're going to the ER," he said to someone. I wasn't even sure who he was talking to.

  He lifted me into his arms and the smell of fresh leather soon washed away the scent of his strong cologne. I turned my head into his chest so that I could be engulfed in his familiar smell. The car door slammed and the tires squealed on the street.

  "Baby, don't close your eyes." James gently tapped the side of my face.

  I opened my eyes and looked up at James, a line of worry etched across his forehead. "I'm sorry," I said.

  He lowered his eyebrows as he looked down at me. "You always have had a habit of apologizing when you've done nothing wrong."

  I tried to smile but the pain made me wince. Hadn't I done something wrong? I wasn't supposed to be out. I should have been in bed today. "Is the baby going to be okay?" Tears were starting to well in my eyes. He has to be okay.

  "The baby is fine," James said very matter-of-factly. He cupped my face in his hand and glanced at the front of the car. "Put your fucking foot on the gas, William!"

  The car lurched forward.

  The baby is fine. So that meant I wasn't fine, right? But if I wasn't okay, the baby wasn't either. I squeezed my eyes shut as it felt like someone was stabbing my heart.

  "Penny, please open your eyes."

  I looked back up at him. There was fear in his gaze. "It hurts." My voice came out as a whimper.

  "What hurts, Penny?" He pushed my hair off my forehead.

  "My heart." I knew what heartache felt like. I knew how painful that could be. But it wasn't like this. It felt as though my heart was literally breaking, cracking in two.

  He clutched me a little tighter. "Okay, baby. We'll be there any second. Please just keep looking at me."

  He didn't realize that it was hard to look at him like this. That looking at him made me feel like I was slipping away. Is that how I looked on our wedding day? When I watched his body collapse onto the ground? Was I dying too? The panic rising to my chest made the ache between my ribs increase.

  "He's not kicking." The words that slipped out of my mouth terrified me. When was the last time I felt him kick?

  "What?" James' hand slid down to my stomach.

  "He always kicks me when I'm upset. Why isn't he kicking me?" Please let my baby be okay.

  PART 2

  Chapter 12

  Sunday

  I tightened my grip on James' hand.

  The wand swept across my stomach once again. Dr. Nelson shifted in his seat and leaned closer to the monitor.

  I looked up at James.

  He gave me a tight smile. No fake optimism. No promise that everything was okay.

  The silence was unnerving. Where were my son's heartbeats? Where was that tiny thudding noise that put a smile on my face? If I gripped James' hand any tighter my nails would surely have drawn blood. Would he notice? Would either of us notice a pain greater than this silence ever again?

  I looked back at the monitor and counted my own heartbeats echoing in my ears. Could they beat for him? Please, please, baby boy. Please be okay.

  Silence.

  It felt like my whole world was slipping away. He was healthy. How could he just...stop? I felt the trickle of a tear run down my cheek. Now I was begging for his kicks. Begging for any sign that his tiny heart hadn't given out. Please.

  "Oh, there we are," Dr. Nelson said.

  I breathed out a sigh of relief and let my head flop down onto the pillow.

  James placed a kiss on the back of my hand.

  "A nice steady heartbeat. The baby is fine." He removed the wand from my stomach and handed me a towel to wipe off the jelly-like substance left behind.

  "So he's okay?" I asked.

  The doctor nodded. "You're both perfectly healthy."

  "The nurse that came in said her heart rate and blood pressure were elevated. She mentioned that Penny might need medication for that."

  "Well, that nurse was mistaken. Any medication we put her on would be dangerous for the baby. Everything is fine."

  The word fine was starting to sound jarring to my ears.

  "Dangerous for the baby, but how dangerous is this condition for my wife without treatment?"

  Dr. Nelson looked down at his clipboard. "You're still taking those vitamins I gave you, right Penny?"

  I nodded.

  "I think that's enough. But let's double the dose every day just to be safe."

  "You think?" James released my hand. "Can I please have a word with you in the hall?"

  "Very well." The doctor took his clipboard and tucked it into his side. "I think maybe I issued bed rest prematurely. Go out and get your mind off everything, Penny. Sitting around thinking about it isn't helping anyone." He lightly patted my shin. His hand was so cold that it made me shiver. That was one of the things I disliked about Dr. Nelson. His hands were always freezing. And he always wore black scrubs instead of the pale pastel colors all the other hospital staff wore. I had been thinking about that Harry Potter movie that had scared Scarlett so much that Dr. Nelson was actually starting to resemble Professor Snape. And it wasn't just the black scrubs. It was the long gray hair that was always slightly
messy looking. And the prominent nose. He really did look like an older version of the actor that played Professor Snape. I almost laughed out loud, envisioning him in a robe instead of scrubs. For some reason, it made me miss Dr. Jones. And his warm hands. And kind smile. And blue scrubs.

  I shook the thought away. Dr. Nelson was great. I shouldn't have compared him to my last OB-GYN. Besides, I couldn't go back to Dr. Jones. He was retired. And James was thinking of suing him. God, I really hoped he didn't go through with that.

  I watched the two of them walk out into the hall. As soon as the door closed, I could hear their heated exchange through the thin walls of the hospital room. I climbed out of the bed and started getting dressed, trying to ignore their words, but I couldn't.

  "She said she had chest pains," James said.

  "Which is ridiculous. You can't feel a heart murmur getting worse."

  "Getting worse? Who said anything about it getting worse? Is the leak growing?"

  "Mr. Hunter, it isn't getting worse. It would still be classified as moderate. I just meant that the condition can't be physically felt."

  "Are you calling my wife a liar?"

  "No, I didn't..."

  "If she said her heart is hurting, then her fucking heart is hurting."

  "And I just told you that such a thing is theoretically impossible."

  "So you are calling her a liar."

  "I'm just saying that bored housewives sometimes need attention!" Dr. Nelson snapped.

  I bit the inside of my lip. Bored housewife? I smoothed my dress back into place. I actually had thought that the pain was in my head. It had only started after I was aware of my heart murmur. Was I really going crazy? I placed my hand on the center of my chest. So why did it hurt right now? I grabbed my purse off my chair. Bored housewife. Dr. Nelson's words echoed around in my head. I wasn't sure any combination of words had stung so badly. And it wasn't true. I was a wife and a mother and an author.

  The taste of blood filled my mouth. I had bit the inside of my lip so hard that I had pierced the skin. Bored housewife. That's what people saw when they looked at me. It was basically what Jen had said to me just a few hours earlier today. What else was I going to do with my time if I didn't hang out with them? Well, I had things to do. I surely had new rejection letters to open. And agents turning me down via email. Fuck Dr. Nelson. And fuck everyone else too. Bored housewife my ass. I wasn't some young trophy wife like the tabloids claimed. Clearly. People who got rejected as much as me weren't trophies.

  I pushed the door open and almost ran right into James. I could almost feel the heat radiating off of him from the way he was fuming.

  Dr. Nelson plastered a smile on his face and turned to me. "Just keep taking the vitamins, Mrs. Hunter, and the rest of your pregnancy will go smoothly." He glanced at his watch. "Now, I have a tee time I need to get to. Good day to you both." He nodded curtly and walked away.

  "Great. Everything is fine." I cringed at my use of the word fine.

  "I'm going to make another appointment with the cardiologist," James said and reached for his cell phone in his pocket.

  I grabbed his arm to stop him. "Really, James. It was just a false alarm. I'm sorry about ruining your afternoon."

  "Ruining my afternoon?" He ran his hand through his hair. "You're not ruining anything. Your chest hurts. We're going to go see someone who will listen."

  I felt the pain. I truly did. But that didn't mean that my mind wasn't somehow causing it to happen. If I thought about it enough, of course it would hurt. In the back of my head I knew that Dr. Nelson was right.

  "Does it hurt right now?"

  Yes. Maybe if I ignored it, the pain would go away. "James, the baby is okay. That's all that matters."

  He lowered his eyebrows. "I didn't ask if the baby was okay. I'm asking about how you feel."

  "I think Dr. Nelson is right. I'm thinking about it too much."

  "God, don't listen to that prick." James lifted his cell to his ear and turned from me. "Yes I need to make an appointment for my wife."

  "James." I put my hand on his bicep. "I don't think that's necessary." He shrugged away from my grip.

  "She's been having chest pains," he said into the phone.

  "James." He was being exasperating.

  He put his hand over the receiver and turned toward me. "Penny, does your chest still hurt or not?"

  I wasn't going to lie to him. "Yes, it hurts."

  He gave me that stern look that always seemed to silence me and continued his conversation on the phone.

  I tuned out his harsh words and leaned against the wall. I felt bad for the person on the other end of the line. The tone he was using could make someone feel like ice. I put my hands on my stomach and took a long, slow breath. We're okay.

  When James was done on the phone, he turned back to me. "They couldn't fit you in for an appointment until Wednesday. I'll make a few calls and find someone a little more accommodating."

  "Dr. Wells is the best cardiologist in the city. It's why we saw him in the first place. If he thinks this issue can wait until Wednesday, I'm sure it can."

  "He told us that we should go to the ER in the meantime."

  "And we did." I gestured to our surroundings. "Now we can wait until Wednesday."

  "I don't..."

  "Please, James. I'm tired. I just want to go home." I hated this hospital. Being here reminded me of when James was hurt. It reminded me of the feeling of almost losing him. The sterile smell in the air put a picture of Isabella in my mind. Her cold stare. Her taunting words. The gun in her hand. I swallowed down the lump in my throat.

  James pressed his lips together, like he had something to say but was holding himself back.

  I looked up into his brown eyes. "Please."

  Something in his eyes seemed to soften. He nodded and wrapped his arm behind my back. We slowly walked out of the hospital and into the sunshine.

  For the first time this summer, I was happy for the heat. It was the only thing that could take the cold feeling of the hospital out of my bones.

  Chapter 13

  Tuesday

  Sleep evaded me. My eyes traveled along the sharp line of James' jaw. I pressed my lips together as my gaze wandered over his parted lips. He was snoring lightly. He only did that when he was truly exhausted. Was he losing sleep over me? The past few days he had felt distant. Did he lay awake staring at me too? I wanted to reach out and run my fingers through his hair, but something held me back.

  Five years ago, if I hadn't been able to sleep, I would have climbed on top of him and made him lose sleep too. There was something so pure about feeling his need for me with him barely being awake. His eyes opening, heavy with lust. I loved that. I loved him.

  I swallowed hard. I wanted to climb on top of him right now. But I had a feeling he'd push me aside. He'd tell me I needed rest. He'd roll over so I couldn't even study his face while I was unable to sleep. When had we stopped making love in the middle of the night? When had we stopped letting passion overcome us?

  I thought things might change once Scarlett was born. In a lot of ways they had. But James had still looked at me like he preferred me naked. Now he just looked at me like he preferred me in a wheelchair. He was worried about me. I understood that. It didn't mean I didn't miss that look, though. The one that made my knees weak. The one that could take my mind off all my worries. I needed that look right now. Couldn't he see how much I needed him?

  But instead of reaching for him, I slowly climbed out of bed. His distance worried me. I looked down at the worn, stretched out t-shirt I was sleeping in. Maybe I needed to try a little harder. I pulled off the shirt and grabbed my silk robe from a hook on the door. I slid my arms into the sleeves and tied the sash tight. James stayed perfectly still in the bed. He used to swear he couldn't sleep without me by his side. Now he looked a little more comfortable with the extra room to spread out.

  I turned away from our bed and headed into the hall. My feet stopped outside
of Scarlett's bedroom. I leaned against the doorjamb as I watched her sleeping peacefully, her favorite stuffed animal held tight in her arms. No worries. No concerns. So peaceful. Whenever I saw her sleeping, I was always so tempted to lift her into my arms. I used to sing her to sleep every night. But now she preferred bedtime stories from James. My little girl was growing up. Hell, it already seemed like she was falling in love. Would time keep speeding up like this? Would I be looking at my son sleeping in a few years and wonder what happened to the time? I ran my hand across my stomach. I hoped I'd be so lucky.

  I sighed and walked back into the hall. My feet tread lightly down the stairs. Writing always made me feel better. Maybe I could take another stab at the second book of my series. I grabbed my laptop off my desk and wandered into the kitchen. A late night snack couldn't hurt either. I switched on my computer, picked up a banana out of the basket on the counter, and sat down in one of the stools.

  The light from the computer screen gave the kitchen an eerie glow. I stared at the first paragraph of my second book.

  "My stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't seem to focus in class. Every day that I saw Professor Hunter I had this pathetic hope that things would somehow be the way they were before. But it never happened. He wouldn't even look at me. It was like I didn't exist."

  I took a bite of my banana and rested my chin in my hand. Every day James dressed in a pair of pants that hugged his ass perfectly and a shirt with the sleeves rolled up, revealing his strong forearms. He made his way to NYCU to teach. He had students that adored him. He was finally truly happy. And every day I wished he'd turn around and teach me a few things instead. Was I really jealous of his current students? It's not like I thought he was falling in love with some 19 year old in the back row of his class. Maybe I just missed that forbidden dynamic between us. I missed when his eyes begged me to call him Professor Hunter. When it turned him on just a little bit more. The only time I ever called him that now was when I was writing about it from the past.