This Is Love Read online

  This Is Love

  By Ivy Smoak

  Copyright 2019 Ivy Smoak

  All Rights Reserved

  To Ryan. You’re the only reason I know how to write about love. This series exists because of you. Even if you are #TeamTyler.

  CONTENTS

  Title

  PART 1

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  PART 2

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  PART 3

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Made of Steel - Chapter 1

  Made of Steel - Chapter 2

  A Note From Ivy

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  Also by Ivy Smoak

  Copyright

  PART 1

  Chapter 1

  Monday - James

  I had forgotten how much I craved Penny’s touch until I couldn’t have it. That’s what time did. Made perfection feel like normalcy. But it was easy to remember just how lucky I was when the one thing I craved was stripped from me. And I’d never take her for granted again. I’d never lose my temper. I’d never put my own needs first. I’d treat her the way she deserved.

  Because Penny was everything to me. The sun rose and set with her. She was the air I breathed. She was the only vice I needed. And relying on a person was so much better than relying on any substance. I was okay with this bleak feeling of existence if I knew she was coming back to me. And I knew I was close.

  When I had left the apartment tonight, her eyes were begging me to stay. She had been waiting for a kiss. And as much as I wanted to close the distance, I knew that I needed her to lean the rest of the way in. Me pushing her hadn’t helped. Me trying to manipulate the situation had helped even less. She needed to make the decision to stay. To try and remember us. And she would. She had to.

  In the meantime, holding my son was comforting. He was a little piece of her. A piece of her that wanted me, was relying on me, loved me. I watched his chest rise and fall without the machines and breathed a little easier myself. “Your mom’s going to remember.”

  He squirmed in my arms.

  I smiled down at him. “And we’re going to take you home soon.” I said those words almost every time I saw him. I didn’t know if they were true. But I felt like if I kept saying it, then it would miraculously happen. I couldn’t lose my son. I just couldn’t.

  “What do you want to do tonight?” I asked him. Every night, I’d hold him until visiting hours were over. Just the two of us. And I was very aware of the fact that it should have been three. But he was a pretty good distraction. Especially his blue irises. It almost felt like I was looking into Penny’s eyes. Like I was close to her even though actually being this close to her freaked her out right now. A minor setback.

  Earlier tonight I was almost positive that she had been waiting for me to kiss her. It was all over her face. I was holding out hope that part of the reason she wanted a kiss was that she was starting to remember. And even if she didn’t remember, it was still a good sign. It meant she wanted me regardless.

  After Penny read the book she wrote, she’d definitely be swayed the rest of the way. She was reading right now, trying to remember our love story. She’d look at me differently when I got home later. Hopefully she’d look at me with love in her eyes instead of unfamiliarity and fear.

  “How about we look up the movie she apparently loves so much.” I placed Liam down on my lap and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I leaned down and showed him the screen, even though I knew he couldn’t read the Wikipedia article I had brought up about The Princess Bride. “A romantic comedy,” I said. “It figures.” I looked back down at my son. “She loves them. You’ll see when you’re older and she makes us all watch them with her.”

  I looked back at the screen. The article mentioned the phrase “as you wish” several times. It was exactly what Penny had talked about. But each time I saw it, the words felt more familiar. “Where have I heard that before? Do you know?”

  My son blinked at me.

  “Yeah. I don’t remember either. Now we know how your mom feels.”

  He blinked again.

  “As you wish,” I said. “As you wish.” I slid my phone back into my pocket and lifted Liam into my arms. “As you wish.”

  I could have sworn he sighed, like he was tired of my obsession with the phrase.

  “And why wouldn’t she have mentioned it to me if it was her favorite movie?” I began to rock Liam in my arms. “As you wish.” All I could recall was a Disney song about wishing on a star. “Maybe I’ve just seen the movie before. We could watch a little of it right now if you want. How does that sound?” I smiled at him. “I know I’m not technically supposed to use my phone in here, but it can be our little secret.” I pulled my phone back out and adjusted Liam in my arms so we could both see the screen. “This is your mom’s favorite movie,” I whispered right before it began. “We’re going to surprise her by knowing all about it.” I kissed the top of Liam’s head.

  But my smile almost immediately faded. “Is it me, or does Westley look a lot like Tyler?”

  I frowned and it looked like Liam frowned back at me.

  “Don’t make that face, little dude.”

  He continued to frown at me, which made me laugh. “Cut it out. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Your mom’s having trouble remembering, but she loves me with all her heart and…” my voice trailed off. As you wish. The familiarity of the phrase came back in a rush as soon as Westley said it in the movie. “Oh fuck.” I immediately dropped my phone in order to cover Liam’s ears. “Sorry. Sorry.” I pulled my hands away from his ears. “You won’t remember that, right? Let’s just pretend it never happened. It can be our little secret.” I leaned down to lift my phone off the ground as I swallowed down another curse in my throat. Penny had a keychain with those words etched into it beside a metal heart. A keychain that Tyler had given her. That she had kept all these years. I looked back down at the image of Westley on the screen. They really did look similar.

  I tried to shake away the thought. They didn’t look that similar. And the keychain was just a gift. But my optimism still felt squashed. I tried to picture her closing her eyes, waiting for my kiss earlier this evening. It was harder when it felt like she was waiting for Tyler’s. Her never mentioning the movie to me confirmed all my suspicions. Why would she tell me it was her favorite if it reminded her of another man?

  Liam squirmed in my arms.

  “You know, you’re probably right,” I said. “She used to like it and now she doesn’t. Besides, she doesn’t remember Tyler either. And you should have seen her after I mentioned the song we danced to at our wedding. She remembered. I could see it on her face. She’s remembering me.” I ran my hand along the side of his small cheek. “She’s remembering us. And she’ll remember that Tyler is just a friend.”

  But what if her memories didn’t all come back at once? What if she started to remember from the beginning when she liked both Tyler and me? Like in her manuscript I had just given her to read…

  “You know what, little dude? I need to cut out a little early tonight. I know, I know.” I leaned down and kissed his forehead. “When our family is put back together again you’ll be thanking me. I need to go pull a grand romantic gesture to keep her attention on us.”

  I stared at hi
m squirming in my arms. “I know she doesn’t always like grand gestures, but she’ll like this one.” I had been carrying her engagement ring around in my pocket for days. I wanted to give it back to her, but something had been stopping me. It felt like I needed to ask her again. I was going to get down on one knee and ask her to choose me. I needed to hear her say I was what she wanted. And I wanted her to know how much I loved her too.

  I knew it was just a movie. Just a keychain. Maybe it meant something in the past, but it didn’t now. The Penny I knew didn’t seem to like this movie anymore. She definitely didn’t mention it because it was no longer her favorite, not because she was hiding some deep love for Tyler. Now I just needed her to remember.

  The doctors had told me to take it slow. To ease her back into her life. But slow was killing me. Nothing Penny and I did had ever been slow. “I’m going to go win your mother back once and for all.”

  Liam just stared at me.

  “It’s not a bad idea. You’ll see, little dude.”

  He had no reaction.

  “I promise I’m thinking straight despite the fact that I’m exhausted.” As if on cue, I yawned. “I’m not even that tired,” I said through another yawn. I motioned for the nurse in the hall to come put him back in his incubator. “Next time I see you, I’ll be whole again. And your mom’s going to remember you. And we’ll be one big happy family.” I pulled him close to my chest. Please don’t make me a liar, Penny. Please remember.

  I took a deep breath, wishing my lungs could do the work for Liam’s weak ones. “I love you.” I kissed the side of his forehead. “I’ll be back in the morning. Keep breathing for us.” But really I meant keep breathing for me. Because if his little heart stopped, I was afraid mine would too.

  Chapter 2

  Monday - James

  I wanted to be able to propose the same way I had the first time around. But I couldn’t leave New York again. Liam and Scarlett needed me here. I just had to think of something similar to me popping the question in the coffee shop.

  Penny didn’t remember our favorite pizza place here in the city. Or where we had our wedding. Or where we danced in Central Park under the stars. She didn’t remember anything here and had only really spent time in our apartment. An apartment proposal didn’t feel romantic enough.

  Maybe Liam was right. Maybe this was a bad idea. I almost laughed out loud. Liam hadn’t said anything. The whole conversation we’d shared had just been me talking to myself. But I liked bouncing ideas off of him. The NICU was the one place where it felt like I could be open with everything I was thinking. As long as one of the nurses wasn’t in the room.

  I shoved my hands into my pockets and felt the ring. I should have just given it back to her when she woke up. But I saw the way she looked down at the tan lines on her ring finger. She looked appalled. The same way she looked at me.

  I was trying to be strong for her. But I wasn’t sure how much more I could take without breaking down. She didn’t realize how important she was. Liam and Scarlett needed her just as much as I did. Scarlett. I needed to talk to her again. If she kept saying stuff like Penny wasn’t her mom, Penny would feel like she truly wasn’t. I needed Scarlett to believe that Penny was coming back as much as I believed it. I just hoped that the idea of Penny remembering didn’t turn out to be a figment of my imagination. Lying to myself was one thing. Lying to my daughter was another. I tried to focus on the ring in my pocket again instead of my dismal reality.

  I sighed. It didn’t have to be a grand proposal. I’d just ask Penny if she’d do me the honor of wearing the ring again. Of taking a leap of faith on her family.

  The fresh air made it a little easier to breathe. And the image of Penny closing her eyes and waiting for a kiss came back to me. She wanted me. And she was reading the beginning of our love story all night. She’d want me more when I got back than she did when I’d left.

  I took a deep breath and stopped in front of the doors of our apartment building. I wanted to walk back into our apartment and see her face light up like it always used to. I wanted her to run over to me and throw her arms around the back of my neck as I pulled her in for a kiss. I wanted my life back.

  I closed my eyes and prayed to a God I wasn’t sure if I believed in. Please let everything go back to normal. Please let her remember. I promised to be a better man for her. A better father to my children. I wouldn’t get lost in work. I’d be present and listen to what they wanted instead of assuming what they must want.

  Penny asked for space while she remembered. I opened my eyes. It was true, she had asked for space. But she didn’t look at me like she wanted space. She stared at me like she wanted anything but space between us. And even though I wanted to respect her boundaries, I wasn’t sure if she was being true to herself either.

  I opened the door and stepped inside. That was the whole problem. I did what I thought was best instead of listening. The unsigned contract that was locked in my desk drawer was a good sign of that. I had gotten her a publishing deal when she had specifically asked me not to. If I had just listened to her, I would have been here when she went into labor. I would have been here when she needed me.

  I stepped onto the elevator. I should have taken the stairs. The extra exercise would do me good. My heart was feeling stronger every day despite the fact that it was broken. But Liam was right, I was tired. I almost laughed out loud again at the thought of Liam saying that to me. I desperately needed rest. I needed to sleep on the idea of proposing before I scared Penny further away. That was my biggest fear. That she’d leave again. That this time she’d never come back. I couldn’t let that happen.

  Tonight I’d sleep in the guest room. I wouldn’t touch her. I’d do everything she’d asked unless she specifically said she changed her mind. Only then would I invade her space. I stepped off the elevator and put my key into the lock. Please ask me, Penny. Let me back into your life.

  I didn’t expect her to come running into my arms like she used to. But the house was eerily quiet. I walked into the kitchen, then the dining room, then the living room. The pages of her manuscript were all over the coffee table, but she was nowhere in sight. “Penny?” I called.

  Melissa walked into the living room. “She went for a walk. And keep your voice down, Scarlett’s asleep.”

  “You let Penny go for a walk alone?”

  “No. Chill for two seconds. She went with one of the security guards. How incompetent do you think I am?”

  “I didn’t say that you were…”

  “You kinda implied it.” She plopped down on the couch. “I feel like you and I need to have a talk.”

  “Melissa, I wasn’t calling you incompetent.”

  “Not about that.” She waved her hand through the air, dismissing the altercation. “We need to talk about Penny. And you. And whatever game it is you’re trying to play with her head. I made a few phone calls and read some articles and I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be force feeding her the past.” She nodded to the manuscript. “You’re supposed to let her remember on her own time.”

  “She asked to read it.”

  “Fair enough, but you could have postponed it. I know you want her to remember. We all do. And I get that she’s not just your wife. She’s your best friend. Your confidant. And right now you can’t confide in her so…confide in me. It might alleviate some of your stress.”

  “Melissa, I have people I can confide in.”

  “Who? Rob?” She laughed. “Trust me, he’s about as good at pillow talk as a brick wall.”

  “Maybe with you.”

  She glared at me. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a terrible host?”

  “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a terrible house guest?”

  She laughed. “I feel like I’m a normal house guest. There is no such thing as a good house guest. That’s why you usually put everyone up in hotels, right?”

  “It's more of a privacy thing.”

  “I see. Tell me more
about that.”

  “I’m not going to talk to you about my issues.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’ll tell Penny everything I say.”

  “I can keep a secret, James. If you recall, it wasn’t my fault your affair with a student leaked. I feel like I’ve earned your trust. And right now, you need to vent. I mean…you look like hell. Have you even been sleeping?”

  “Melissa…”

  “If you’re not going to talk to me, you should talk to someone. I’m pretty sure Penny fell in love with the sweeter side of you. Not whatever this is.” She gestured to me.

  It was hard not to be a little offended.

  “I mean, you do want her to fall in love with you again, right? New memories of you might kind of outweigh the old ones.” She glanced back at the manuscript pages. “Huh. You might already be scaring her away. She wasn’t even reading about you.” She lifted up one of the pages and started reading out loud:

  We slowly swayed back and forth. This was probably the sweetest thing a guy had ever done for me. I moved closer to him so that our bodies were touching.

  "So you like it nice and slow?" Tyler said gently.

  "If you are referring to dancing? Yes, isn't this nice?"

  He leaned down to kiss me. I wanted to forget about Austin and I needed to forget about Professor Hunter. I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him closer as he kissed me deeply. His hands slid down from my waist and grabbed my ass.

  “Stop,” I said. “I don’t need to hear about Tyler’s hands on my wife’s ass, I’ve already read it.” Hearing about Tyler right this second wasn’t helping. I was already a little pissed off about Penny’s favorite movie revolving around him.

  “See. You’re angry.”

  “Because you’re reminding me that she used to have her hands all over someone else.”

  “Everyone has exes, James.”

  “Not ones that they don’t remember passing on.”