This Is Love Read online

  “Aha. The root of the problem. What, are you scared that she’s going to go back to him? He’s married, remember?”

  “It wouldn’t be the first time someone cheated on someone else. It happens all the time.”

  “Aha! So this goes back to your first wife cheating on you.”

  “Would you stop saying ‘aha’ like this is actually a breakthrough?”

  “Then just talk to me…”

  “And say what? That I’m scared Penny will never remember? That I’m scared I’ll have to go through the rest of my life in this fucking terrible numb state? That I’m worried I’m going to lose my son too? That when I think about everything I can’t breathe?”

  She stood up and hugged me.

  I hadn’t expected her to do that. For a moment, I stayed still, hoping she’d just let go. But when I finally forced myself to hug her back, I felt a sense of relief. When was the last time someone had tried to comfort me? That wasn’t fair. Tons of people had tried to comfort me when Penny was unconscious. But I had pushed them all away. Because that’s what I did. I couldn’t lie though, it felt really nice to be hugged.

  “That’s a good start,” Melissa said and smiled up at me. “Tell her those things. Be real instead of suave.”

  “Trust me, I haven’t been suave.”

  “You’re always suave. It’s kinda your thing.”

  I laughed.

  “Oh my God, did I just get you to smile?” She leaned closer. “Yup, you’re officially smiling. See…doesn’t it help to talk?”

  I sighed, but it was just for show. “Sure.”

  “This is what girls do,” she said and sat back down on the couch. “We talk everything out. So pretend you’re a girl for a few minutes and chat with me.” She patted the couch beside her.

  “This is a ridiculous exercise.” But for some reason, I found myself sitting down.

  “So you said you were scared she’ll never remember. Let’s say the worst happens and she never does. What then?”

  “Then…nothing. There is no me without her.”

  “You’re being a little dramatic, James. Good job, you’re really finding your inner woman for this chat.”

  I wasn’t being dramatic. I was serious. If Penny never remembered me, my life was over. I couldn’t keep going without her. I thought of Scarlett upstairs sleeping peacefully and of my son attached to all those machines. If I gave up, I’d be letting them down. I knew that and yet…how could I keep going?

  “But really,” she said. “What would you do?”

  I ran my hand down my face as I leaned back on the couch. “I don’t know, Melissa. Does Penny leave me in this scenario?”

  “Yeah, I’m talking worst case. She doesn’t remember and skips town again because she can’t stand you. What’s your plan?”

  “This isn’t helping.”

  “I just want you to think about the absolute worst thing. And then we figure out how to make that not happen. Trust me, it’s therapeutic.”

  I looked down at my lap. “Worst case?” I exhaled slowly. “Penny leaves and I spiral into depression. I start taking drugs again. I ignore my kids because they look like her. I shut everyone in my life out. And I probably overdose and die.”

  “Jesus that’s dark.”

  I looked up at her. “You said worst case.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, I thought you’d say like…try to better yourself and win her back.”

  “I assumed in the worst case I couldn’t win her back.”

  “Fair enough, drama queen.” She laughed as she pulled her knees into her chest. “Okay, here’s how to prevent doomsday. You know Penny better at 26 years old. But no one knows Penny better at 19 than I do. She desperately wants someone to love her for her. I think you loving her already makes her feel like you didn’t get to know her. You know?”

  “I guess?”

  Melissa laughed. “You need to ask her more questions. Even if you already know the answers. Take interest in what she’s saying. Maybe even pretend you don’t know the answers. Make her feel…seen.”

  “Seen?”

  “Yeah. After you two met, she told me that it felt like you saw her. I know…super cheesy. But it’s what she said.”

  “I never knew that.” I could picture Penny telling Melissa all about how we met. She hadn’t gone into specific details in her novel. “What else did she say?”

  “Well, she didn’t take off the sweater you loaned her for hours. She kept talking about how good you smelled.”

  I smiled.

  “Another smile? I’m on a streak,” she said.

  I thought about the engagement ring in my pocket. “So getting down on one knee and asking her to be my wife again is a bad idea.”

  “Yes. Wait, were you planning on doing that? It’s too soon, James.”

  “I only knew her for two months before I proposed the first time.”

  “Which was crazy. That was something a crazy person would do.”

  I laughed. “If I hadn’t recently gone through a divorce, I probably would have done it sooner. She’s it for me, Melissa. Dramatic or not, she is.”

  She gave me the saddest smile. “Then take my advice and go slowly this time around. Okay? You don’t want to spook her. She’s already run away once.”

  Yeah. Melissa and Liam agreed. No grand gestures. At least not quite yet. I glanced at the coffee table. The manuscript almost looked like it had been shuffled around. I picked up one of the sheets and scanned it.

  "Exactly how many girls have you slept with, Tyler?"

  He leaned forward. "I'm going to pass."

  "You're not allowed to pass."

  He stared at me.

  "That many, huh?"

  "Look, I know why you're asking. You want to know if I've been with anyone since I started talking to you."

  "So...?"

  "Penny..."

  "Oh my God, Tyler. You're such a slut," I whispered.

  He gave me a mischievous smile. "I'm just messing with you, Penny. No, I haven't slept with anyone this semester. And only three girls total. There, that's not so bad, right?"

  "What is wrong with you?" I leaned across the table and lightly shoved his shoulder.

  "You're fun to mess with. You're so gullible."

  "Very funny." I shook my head at him.

  "Besides, now I got a question answered without even having to ask it," he said.

  "Oh, yeah? And what is that?"

  "You like me."

  I kept my mouth shut.

  "You got so jealous. You should have seen your face, Penny."

  The first page Melissa had lifted up had talked about Tyler’s hand on my wife’s ass. And this one was about Penny pretty much admitting that she had feelings for him too. I grabbed another paper off the coffee table.

  He really was a sweet guy. "Tyler, I can't ask you to miss your party for this. Melissa made it seem like it was going to be lots of fun."

  "Trust me, there is nothing I'd rather be doing." He handed me the disc. I looked down and saw that it was The Princess Bride.

  "This is my favorite movie."

  "Yeah. I'd be lying if I didn't confess that Melissa told me. But I already owned it, because I like it too." He smiled at me as he pulled the popcorn out of the microwave, then sat on the end of my bed.

  I put the movie in and sat down next to him.

  "Popcorn?" he asked and put the bag down between us.

  "You're a really good friend, Tyler."

  "Yeah I know." He laughed and put his arms behind his head and leaned against the wall.

  "No seriously. I've never really had a guy friend that was genuinely nice just because he cared."

  "Honestly, I'm just paying my dues." He winked at me. "But I like being friends with you too. And since we're just friends, I can do stuff like this and not get in trouble." He slid over and put his arm around my back.

  "Is that right?"

  "I'm just here to take care of you." He tapped his shoulder th
at was closest to me.

  "So I guess since we're friends I'm supposed to rest my head on your shoulder?"

  "Well, I mean if you want. I just had an itch. But I promise I won't read into it."

  I leaned my head on his shoulder. In the movie, Westley was just saying goodbye to Buttercup so he could go off and find a fortune so that they could get married.

  "I never understood why she was always so mean to him at first," Tyler said.

  "Because she didn't realize that she loved him yet."

  "Right," Tyler said. He rested his head on top of mine.

  I almost crumpled the paper in my hand. It wasn’t just the keychain he had given her that had made me think I knew about Tyler’s link to The Princess Bride. I had read all about it. I had read about it and forgotten it. All the parts about Tyler in this book I had shoved aside. But a lot of them were about him. It wasn’t just Penny and my love story. It was like a twisted love triangle. I had given her this book hoping she’d remember me. And it looked like all she had been doing was remembering him.

  “Why does Penny like The Princess Bride?” I asked.

  Melissa shrugged. “Something about true love. I don’t know. I never understood the appeal.”

  “Does it have anything to do with Tyler?”

  “No. She liked it before she met him. Although, he did dress up like Westley for Halloween for her.”

  “What? When?”

  “When you two were on a break.”

  A break. I said I needed time. We weren’t really on a break. But I couldn’t fault Penny for pursuing Tyler during that time. Yet, here I am seething. Why? Because of some stupid film that meant nothing? But that was the problem. It meant something to her. And she never told me. Maybe she liked it before she met Tyler, but it was all intertwined now. They snuggled while they watched it. He dressed up as the main character for her. And he gave her that stupid fucking key chain. I grabbed another paper off the table as my head started to spin.

  I listened to his slow, steady heartbeat. I could lay here forever in his embrace. I let my hand wander beneath his shirt and felt his abs. His body seemed to tense from my touch, which made his muscles even more pronounced. He was so sexy.

  "Are you feeling any better?" Tyler whispered.

  “What the fuck is this?” I stood up. “All the pages on top are about him.”

  “Who?” Melissa asked.

  “Tyler.”

  She leaned forward. “Oh, yikes.” I watched as she bit into her bottom lip. Her eyes scanned more of the pages. She crossed and uncrossed her legs. “I mean…it kind of looks like they were shuffled around or something? But yeah…most of them are about Tyler. Almost like she picked through the book…but why would she do that?” She made a weird face, a combination of a grimace and confusion.

  “Where the hell did you say she was?”

  “She went for a walk with one of your security guards.”

  “Which one?”

  “I don’t know. But would you calm down for one second. This is probably just some misunderstanding. I mean…” She shuffled the papers around with her hands. “It seriously looks like she was just…I don’t know…tossing them around.”

  “Tossing them around?” Give me a fucking break. She had read about Tyler and wanted to read more. I pulled out my phone and clicked on Porter’s name.

  He answered in one ring. “Mr. Hunter.”

  “Where’s Penny?”

  “She’s with Ian. She went for a walk and…”

  I hung up the phone.

  “James,” Melissa said. “You need to take five and calm down. Whatever it is that’s running through your head, it’s probably wrong.”

  “Probably?”

  “Yeah. Probably. I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m 100 percent certain she didn’t want to read about Tyler. I can’t read her freaking mind. Anymore anyway.”

  “Do you know something?”

  “What?” She awkwardly blew a strand of hair out of her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Melissa, you can’t ask me to open up to you and then keep shit from me. Did she go see Tyler?”

  “No. Oh my God. I didn’t lie to you. She went for a walk. But if I’m being totally upfront, she maybe has kinda sorta mentioned that Tyler is exactly her type.”

  It felt like my heart stopped. I felt the familiar pain cross my chest. I’d been having these sharp, fleeting pains ever since my cardiac episode. “Tyler and I look nothing alike.”

  “I know that. You’re very different. In like…every way.”

  “You think she likes him?”

  “Of course not. But in her 19-year-old mind, before she met you, apparently she had a thing for guys with blonde hair and blue eyes.”

  “And you didn’t think this was important for me to know?”

  “I’m telling you now. And I thought I took care of it. I told her that he was married. I told her that you’re her type. I told her everything I was supposed to. You’re acting like I don’t have your back here…but I do. I’m on your side, James.”

  I pictured Penny knocking on Tyler’s door. And putting her head on his shoulder as they watched her favorite movie. And him squeezing her ass. And her hand groping his abs. “I’m going to kill him.”

  “She’s not at Tyler’s, James. She went for a walk.”

  I dialed Ian’s number.

  “I’m in the middle of a Jen emergency, James,” Ian said when he finally answered. “If there’s any way that this can wait until tomorrow…”

  “Where the hell is Penny?”

  The awkward silence stretched for too many seconds.

  “Tell me right fucking now, Ian.” Again, the pain seared across my chest. I’d been feeling it ever since my surgery, but I hoping it wasn’t really related. I knew what having a cardiac episode felt like now. This? I was pretty sure my heart was breaking in two. It had been ever since Penny didn’t wake up. Ever since she didn’t recognize my face. Ever since our daughter had become a stranger to her. Ever since she didn’t recognize Liam in her arms.

  But this might be worse. It was all my worst fears coming true. Penny was finally waking up…to the fact that I wasn’t the right choice all those years ago. I couldn’t fix our lives if she left me. “Ian.”

  “I…” his voice trailed off. “She told me I could go. She said she was heading right back to the apartment.” There was a shuffling of papers. “I’m so sorry, James. I’m heading back now, I…”

  “It’s fine. I know where she is.”

  “Oh. Geez. You nearly gave me a heart attack. I mean…” his voice trailed off and he awkwardly cleared his throat.

  “It’s fine,” I said again, even though I didn’t believe my own words. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “See you tomorrow.”

  I hung up the phone and slid it back into my pocket. “I’ll be back in a bit. Could you keep an eye on Scarlett?” I tried to say it as cheerily as possible even though it felt like dark clouds were forming in my mind.

  “Where are you going?”

  I wasn’t even sure why she asked. She knew exactly where I was going.

  “Don’t do anything stupid. She doesn’t remember her life, James. You’re holding her accountable and she doesn’t remember. You need to cut her some slack.”

  Why, so that she’ll leave me? I swallowed down the words instead of voicing them. There was no point in lying to Melissa. I was planning on pounding Tyler’s face until he was unrecognizable. If he so much as laid a hand on her, he was dead.

  Chapter 3

  Monday - James

  When I had stepped out of the hospital earlier today it felt like I could finally breathe again. But now? The night was hot and humid. It felt more like the buildings were caving in around me. Like the sidewalk was cracking under my feet. Like my whole world was being destroyed.

  Here I was planning a fucking re-proposal and she was what? Sucking Tyler’s cock?

  A drop of r
ain hit the top of my head. I looked up to see the storm clouds above me through the darkened sky. Every time it rained, I thought of her. I always would. But she wouldn’t be thinking about me. I tried to focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

  Penny looked the same. She smelled the same. But she wasn’t the same. Was this how people felt when their spouses died? Like their world was caving in around them? That’s how I felt. Like the Penny I knew and loved was gone. Like she had been taken from me far too soon. And I couldn’t get her back. No matter how hard I fucking tried to recreate our lives. Or show her that I cared. None of it mattered. Because one person caring in a relationship wasn’t enough.

  It started raining harder. Each drop felt like it seared my skin. I needed to stop before I did something I regretted. I needed to turn around and go back to my apartment. But my feet kept moving forward.

  I didn’t want to believe any of this was real. It was like Penny and I were on a broken wheel. Every time something went wrong in our relationship, she went back to Tyler. How many times could she run back to him before it stuck? How many times was she going to try to break me?

  It felt like tears were running down my cheeks, but I couldn’t really tell. It was pouring now. I was soaked from head to toe. I wished that I felt numb. I wished I never knew what it was like to feel this way. But if that was true, I never would have felt what it was like to be loved either. To love. I didn’t know how to fucking live without her love.

  My feet suddenly stopped. And I knew it wasn’t rain on my cheeks. I broke down in the middle of a busy sidewalk in NYC and started crying. I felt my knees buckle and I fell to the ground and let myself cry. I let the grief of losing her overtake me. I let the feeling of hopeless take over.

  I saw a dollar bill fall to the ground in front of me. Someone had mistaken me for a homeless person. A small act of compassion should have been able to improve my mood. But it didn’t. It just made me feel worse. Because someone thinking I was homeless was fitting. The dollar bill blurred in front of me. Penny was home to me. And I had lost her. I had lost the only home I had ever really known.