The Light to My Darkness Read online

  The Light to My Darkness

  By Ivy Smoak

  Copyright 2017 Ivy Smoak

  All Rights Reserved

  To my fiancé.

  Because technically, I'll never be able to write a dedication with those words again. This is the last book I'm coming out with before you become my husband. And as we take that step, I'm very aware of the fact that you are my foundation.

  CONTENTS

  Title

  PART 1

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  PART 2

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  PART 3

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 1

  A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 2

  A Note From Ivy

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  Also by Ivy Smoak

  Copyright

  PART 1

  Chapter 1

  Friday

  I wrestled with the fabric until I was able to pull it down over my large pregnant belly. Even after the alterations, the dress pinched me uncomfortably on the sides. I blew a strand of hair out of my face and placed my hands on my stomach. In two months, my little baby boy would be born. But Bee and Mason's wedding was next week. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. And I was going to look like an elephant in their pictures. I sighed and stepped out of the changing room.

  "Oh, it's perfect," Bee said.

  I laughed. "You have a strange definition of perfection."

  "The gray doesn't take away from your beautiful pregnancy glow at all."

  It just makes me look like a huge zoo animal. "Why does everyone else get to wear blue again?" Not that it mattered. The blue would make me look like a whale instead.

  "Because you're my matron of honor and I love you." She smiled at me. "Are you alright, Penny? You look a little pale."

  I waved my hand through the air. "I'm fine. You'll see soon enough. Being pregnant is the freaking worst." I collapsed in the chair beside her.

  Bee laughed. "Just a few weeks ago you wouldn't stop talking about how it was the best thing ever. The miracle of birth. All that jazz."

  "Well, a few weeks ago it wasn't 90 degrees outside. What possessed you to get married in the middle of summer anyway?"

  "If I recall, you had a wedding in June. It was hot that day too. And I love summers in the city. It always seems less crowded."

  "That's because everyone leaves since it's literally hell here."

  "Oh come on." She lightly tapped my arm. "Stop letting your pregnancy hormones win."

  I pressed my lips together. I hated that she was right. It was like I had no control over my emotions at all recently. "It has nothing to do with hormones," I lied. "It's just so hot, Bee. How am I going to last two more months?"

  "How about you go change and I'll take you out for ice cream?"

  I glared at her. "Are you practicing weird parenting techniques on me or something?"

  "Maybe?" She raised both eyebrows.

  "Fine. You win. But water ice, not ice cream. Or else I won't be able to fit into this dress next week." I slowly stood up.

  Bee laughed. "You're being too hard on yourself, Penny. You really do have that whole pregnancy glow thing going on."

  Pregnancy glow my ass, I thought as I closed the dressing room door behind me. I wrestled the dress back off over my head and hung it on the hanger. I pulled on the comfortable dress I had worn in. It was stretchy and cotton, and the only thing I ever wanted to wear anymore. I glanced back in the mirror. The pregnancy glow thing really was just a myth. If anything, I looked pale like Bee had mentioned earlier. It was probably just because my makeup had melted off in the sweltering heat. After getting water ice I would need to spend the rest of the day sitting down in the air-conditioning.

  "Mason is swinging by tonight to grab all of them," Bee said and took the hanger out of my hand as I exited the dressing room.

  "I'm pretty sure that's the matron of honor's job," I said. "I can handle carrying a dress." Bee had slowly been taking responsibilities away from me for the past few weeks. I was starting to feel like the most useless matron of honor in the history of the title.

  "No, actually the matron of honor doesn't have to do anything like that. Usually maids of honor handle it because they're never pregnant. You know...because they're maids. But you're technically my matron of honor. And matrons of honor have less tasks, especially if they're pregnant.”

  I laughed. "Fair enough." I watched her hand the dress back to the sales associate.

  "Now, come on, big momma. Water ice time!" She linked her arm in mine.

  "Please don't start calling me that."

  "That's actually how we had the programs printed. They say Matron of Honor - Big Momma, all in bold."

  "That's exactly what I feared," I said with a laugh. The wave of heat seemed to hit me like a brick wall when we stepped outside. "Is it possibly even hotter?" I could already feel beads of sweat on the back of my neck.

  "How about we just get you home. We can stop somewhere on the way and get water ice to-go. Then we can eat it at your place." She dropped my arm and walked over to the town car parked alongside the curb.

  I glanced down the sidewalk at the water ice place. "Bee, it's just a block away." I pointed at the sign. "I can manage." I walked past her before I heard her response. First the pale comment. And now she didn't think I could walk a few feet? I bit the inside of my lip.

  Ow, don't kick me. I placed my hand on my stomach and tried to steady my breathing. I wasn't an idiot. Obviously James told her. He promised he wouldn't tell anyone. The baby kicked again. Don't go agreeing with your father. You're supposed to be on my side.

  "Whoa, wait up," Bee said. "Now you're a pregnant sprinter? It's not a race. Seriously, slow down, Penny."

  "He told you, didn't he?" I asked as I grabbed the door handle of the water ice place.

  "Who told me what?"

  I shook my head. She didn't get to play innocent. I didn't want anyone else to know. My medical history wasn't anyone else's business. I stormed into the shop.

  "Really, I have no idea what you're talking about," Bee said from behind me.

  I ignored her and ordered a small lemon water ice. I continued giving her the silent treatment until she sat down across from me with that sad look on her face.

  "I'm sorry," we both said at the exact same time.

  Bee smiled. "Just for the record, James didn't tell me. He told Mason because he was worried about you. Then Mason told me. You know how these things go."

  "I know. It's fine. But there really isn't anything to worry about."

  "James said it makes the pregnancy more dangerous."

  "It's just a heart m
urmur. Two percent of the population has one or something like that." Repeating facts that the doctor told me made me feel better about it. It wasn't like mitral valve regurgitation was some uncommon thing. Tons of people had it.

  "Still. James is all worried. And now he's got me worried too."

  "I'm fine. Really." I ate a huge spoonful of my water ice. God is that good. "See." I gestured to my water ice. "I'm doing normal pregnancy things. Everything is normal."

  "You said normal too many times for me to believe you."

  "Miss Cowan, soon to be Mrs. Caldwell, you should be focusing on your wedding. Not me." I gave her what I hoped was an encouraging smile.

  "Well, that's the thing. I know you're supposed to be on bed rest, Penny. Technically you shouldn't even be coming to my wedding."

  James didn't seriously tell Mason that. I was going to kill him when I got home. We had talked about this. I could do the whole bed rest thing after Bee's wedding. She needed me right now. I wasn't going to leave her in the lurch like Melissa had done to me. I was taking my role as matron of honor very seriously.

  And I felt fine. Besides, the doctor recommended bed rest. He didn't demand it. The baby kicked me again. Ow. Traitor. "Bed rest is just a general term for taking it easy. I think relaxing and eating water ice counts."

  "You're sure you feel okay? I don't want to be the reason that something happens to the baby."

  I shook my head. "Nothing is going to happen. Everything is normal."

  She winced at my use of the word normal again.

  "Can we please just have a conversation that doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm pregnant? Let's focus on the wedding. Have you written your vows yet?"

  "Ugh. No. I can't properly express how I feel in words. I so badly want them to be perfect, you know?"

  "Well, what do you have so far?"

  "Um...nothing, really. I'm too in my head. Everyone's going to be staring at me and I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. I do presentations and pitches all the time, but this is way more intimidating."

  "Think about the positives, though. You could spill red wine down the front of your wedding gown and still look smoking hot next to me. I secretly think you picked me to be your matron of honor because you knew I'd be a blimp."

  Bee laughed. "You're right. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're my best friend."

  I swallowed hard. I had been so flattered when Bee asked me to be her matron of honor. She had made friends in the city before meeting me. But we hung out all the time now. James and Mason being best friends basically forced us to be best friends too. And I was so happy that it did. I reached for a napkin.

  "Are you crying?" she asked.

  I blotted the napkin under my eyes. "I can't control my emotions. I'm a mess."

  "Let's get you home. I have a wedding to focus on. James can take care of you for the rest of the day."

  I laughed. "I don't need a babysitter."

  "You sprinted here when you're supposed to be on bed rest. You absolutely need a babysitter."

  "What I need is for him to stop kicking me." I placed my hand on my stomach. Calm down.

  "Still convinced it's going to be a boy?"

  "It feels like a boy. I can't explain it. But I know it is."

  "Yeah, that makes no sense to me at all."

  "That's because you've never been pregnant before," I said.

  "Whenever I do get pregnant, I'm going to find out the sex of the baby immediately. I don't know how you can bear not knowing when you could literally pick up the phone and find out."

  "I already know. It's definitely a boy."

  Bee rolled her eyes. "Come on, big momma. Let's get your crazy ass home."

  "Bee!"

  We both laughed as she helped me to my feet. Before we stepped out into the scorching heat I turned and gave her a hug. With all of our jokes, I could still tell she was worried. I truly did believe that there was nothing to worry about. She should be spending the next week in pre-wedding bliss, not studying my pale face.

  "You can worry about me after you get back from the honeymoon. But not before, okay?"

  She squeezed me back. "It's a little hard to just turn off an emotion, Penny. I do need to focus on my vows, though. Or else the whole wedding will be a disaster."

  I held her at arm's length. "A disaster? As long as no one gets shot, I think we're good."

  "It's still too soon to joke." But she smiled anyway. "Besides, last time I checked, Mason didn't have any crazy exes."

  Chapter 2

  Friday

  "I'm home!" I called as I locked the door behind me. I was greeted by silence. "James? Ellen?" No one responded. It was rare to be home alone. I couldn't even remember the last time our apartment had been so quiet. I walked into the kitchen and scanned the counter.

  "I'm sorry, little man," I said to my belly as I smoothed the fabric of my dress over my stomach. "There aren't any bananas left. How about an apple?" I shook my head as I eyed the fruit basket. "Yeah, that doesn't sound as good to me either."

  I grabbed a glass of water instead and wandered into the living room. I sat down on the couch and rested my head back, staring up at the ceiling. It felt so good to sit down. Everything ached today. Silence probably comforted some people, but it made me feel unsettled. It was like this big empty void. Bed rest would be okay if there were people around all the time. But I didn't want to just sit around by myself. That sounded more like torture.

  I sighed and stood back up. Ow. I placed my hand on my stomach. "Really, you need to stop doing that. I already told you there aren't any bananas." Another kick landed beneath my ribs. "I'll find something else. Please just stop kicking me." I walked back into the kitchen. I was about to open up the fridge when I spotted the mail on the counter.

  It was foolish, but I let myself get excited when I saw a letter addressed to my pen name, Ivy Smoak. I tore open the top, unfolded the piece of paper, and held my breath as I read the words.

  Dear Ms. Smoak,

  Thank you for your query. We greatly appreciate your submission and have given it our careful consideration. Unfortunately, we do not feel that your project is the right fit for our agency. Please keep in mind that this is a very subjective business. Thanks for thinking of our agency and we wish you the best with your writing career.

  Sincerely,

  Mallory Jenson

  Agent/Submissions Coordinator

  Clark Henshaw Literary Group

  I slowly exhaled. Subjective business. It was only biased in the sense that every agency in the city agreed that my writing sucked. The problem was that after this many rejections, I was starting to believe them. At first it was easy to push the rejection aside. Now though? Maybe I didn't have what it took. Maybe my manuscript really was as crappy as everyone said. I stuffed the paper back in the envelope. Or maybe they weren't reading it at all. Careful consideration probably meant straight in the trashcan. Well, two could play that game. I tore the rejection letter in half and tossed it into the trash.

  "I know," I said and looked down at my stomach. "Putting Penny Hunter on the submission form is a foot in the door. But I need to do this on my own. Now please stop agreeing with your father about everything. I'm the one carrying you around for months." My words earned me another sharp kick in the ribs.

  Thirteen rejection letters. I sat down on a stool in the kitchen and let my face sink into my hands. I had submitted my query to at least 50 agencies and most of them hadn't even bothered responding. I told James I was going to write instead of work, but all I had to show for it was a manuscript that I had reworked dozens of times because no one liked the story. Our story. Maybe I was the one being too subjective. Maybe I couldn't see that it wasn't a story worth telling because I saw it with rose-colored glasses. I lived it. James was everything to me. And I was a naive, annoying, indecisive girl that no one wanted to read about. Fiction had never been so real. And in this case, maybe fiction would have been better. I should have
just written a story that someone actually wanted to read instead of my idealized notion of what my life was.

  I grabbed the apple that had been taunting me ever since I got home and bit into it. I know it's not a banana, but you can't just eat bananas and water ice all day. You have to be a grown-up. For some reason I burst into tears. Because I wasn't talking to the baby growing in my stomach. I was talking to myself. I was living off my husband. When had I become a Stepford Wife? I was, in every sense of the word, useless.

  Oh my God, I'm losing my mind. This baby was seriously making it impossible to stay sane. And every time I even thought such a thing, he kicked me so hard. He was feisty. And stubborn. And just like his father. I smiled. James would probably say that those characteristics were just like me. I placed my hand on my stomach and waited for the kick. But this time it didn't come. "Thank you for being on my side," I said into the empty kitchen.

  I knew I wasn't useless. But just once I wanted to show everyone that I wasn't just some trophy wife. It wasn't like I didn't see the tabloids. I knew what people said about me. They talked about my dress at this event and my necklace at that. But damn it, I had a brain. I was more than my smile and my clothes. I could pull my own weight. No, not enough to afford a place like this. A small salary coming in off my books, though? That would make me feel so much better. Wife and mother were the two best titles. They were music to my ears. But adding author at the end of it would just make it a tad sweeter.

  I took another bite of the apple. "And there's the kick. You are going to be such a handful, baby boy."

  The sound of the front door opening made me jump. I quickly wiped away my tears. Bee was right, I needed to stop letting my pregnancy hormones win. An agent would call any day now. And even if one didn't, I was happy. I loved my life. I loved our story even if no one else did. Even if no one else would ever read about it. Honestly, maybe that was better. It was our story, not anyone else's. No one knowing kept it more pure somehow.

  "Hey, beautiful." James kissed my temple and ran his hand along my stomach. "How are my girls today?"

  I smiled up at him. "We're good, but you know perfectly well that it's your son brewing in there."