The Light to My Darkness Read online

  "I beg to differ. This baby is every bit you." Suddenly the smile was gone from his face as he lightly touched my chin. "What's wrong?" He ran the pad of this thumb beneath my eye even though I knew my tears were gone.

  I swallowed hard. A lie was on the tip of my tongue and I wasn't even sure where it had come from. The word nothing just wanted to fall out of me. The thought of the lie left a sour taste in my mouth. That was the one thing we never did. Not now. Not after everything we'd been through. "I got another rejection letter in the mail." I bit the inside of my lip, feeling every bit the failure.

  He placed a soft kiss against my forehead. "Those agencies are insane. They have no idea what they're missing out on."

  I laughed. "I don't know about that. They're all saying the same thing. Which means I'm the one that's insane for thinking I had a chance."

  "You know, you could let me read it. Maybe I could help." He leaned against the counter as he stared at me.

  I let my eyes wander down to his lips. For some reason I was finding it hard to concentrate on his words. Probably because we were rarely alone. And by some stroke of luck it was currently just the two of us. I forced my eyes back up to his. "You can read it. Eventually. The grand plan was to get an agent, get it published, and give you a real hardback copy. I wanted you to read it when I was sure that it was perfect. I wanted to show you that I was worth something more than..." I let my voice trail off. "I just want to prove that I'm worthy of you."

  "Oh, Penny." He wrapped his arms around me.

  I breathed in his heavenly cologne. Wife. Mother. I didn't need the extra title. This was all I truly wanted. "I could get a thousand rejections and I'd still be happy," I mumbled into his neck.

  He kept his arms wrapped around me, and didn't say a word. But his silence was louder than words. I knew exactly what he was thinking.

  "I need to do this one thing on my own," I whispered.

  "I didn't say anything."

  "But you were thinking it."

  He sighed and took a step back from me. "Honestly, it's probably good to have anonymity. Our life is already in the public eye way more than I'd like it to be. I'm getting used to the idea of you wanting to use a pen name."

  "Really?" I placed my hand on my stomach. Both my boys were agreeing with me tonight.

  "Really. You took my name in real life. That's what matters to me, Mrs. Penny Hunter. Now, aren't you going to ask me what's in the bag?"

  I looked at the grocery bag on the counter. I hadn't even noticed that he brought one in. I smiled at him. "Fruit and chocolate?"

  He laughed and slid the bag down the counter toward me. I opened it up and pulled out the bananas and Dove ice cream bars.

  "This is why I love you. You're a mind reader." I pushed the apple aside and grabbed a banana instead. In two seconds flat I was biting into the food I had been desperately craving. "Mmm."

  "Are you trying to torture me?" he asked.

  I looked back up at James as I finished chewing. "There is no way that you're turned on right now. I'm huge." I gestured to my stomach. "And it's not like I'm sucking on this seductively. I just took the biggest bite."

  "You're not huge. You're pregnant." He ran his palm along my stomach. "With my daughter. And I think you're absolutely gorgeous."

  "It's a boy, James!"

  A smile spread across his face. "It's definitely a girl."

  "I swear it's not."

  He raised his left eyebrow. "Do you want to bet?"

  "Everyone else already has a wager going." I took another bite of the banana. "We might as well too. What did you have in mind?"

  "Winner gets whatever they want."

  I laughed. "That's rather vague. So you're saying that if it's a boy, I can have anything I want? Anything at all?"

  "And if it's a girl, I can have anything I want." His eyes scanned down my body.

  "Deal. But all you have to do is ask. I'll give you whatever you want right now." I glanced at the clock on the wall. "We should have a few minutes before..." my words were cut short by his lips crashing against mine. I loved that he craved me the way I craved crazy foods. And him. I certainly never stopped craving him.

  I pulled on his tie to deepen the kiss. He groaned into my mouth. I loved that sound. Yes, we were rarely alone anymore. But we knew how to take advantage of those few moments in between the hectic ones.

  We both jumped when we heard the front door open.

  "We're home!" Ellen called from the foyer.

  James ran the tip of his nose down the length of mine. "To be continued?"

  "Of course." I straightened his tie. A continuation could mean anything from a few hours to several days, but neither one of us were upset. Maybe a couple years ago we would have been annoyed by the interruption. But we were a family now. "I love you."

  "I love you so much." He placed a swift kiss against my lips.

  "Daddy!" the sweetest little voice squealed from the doorway of the kitchen.

  Chapter 3

  Friday

  I turned to see the brightest smile, the rosiest cheeks, and the curliest mop of red hair running toward us. Scarlett collided with James' leg and wrapped her little arms around it.

  "Hey, pumpkin." James ruffled her hair and bent down to lift her into his arms. Scarlett easily settled onto his hip, which was probably her favorite seat in the world.

  I smiled at the scene. No, I wasn't the least bit upset about the interruption. James had two girls in his life now. And I was okay with sharing him. He was the most wonderful father.

  "Daddy, Ellie took me to the park!"

  Ellen smiled from the doorway. Scarlett had been pronouncing Ellen's name as Ellie ever since she had learned how to talk. I was pretty sure she was able to pronounce Ellen now, but Ellen seemed to like the nickname.

  "I can see that," James said and lightly tapped the tip of Scarlett's nose. There was a splatter of mud on the side of it and her dress had several grass stains.

  "Let's get you in the bath before dinner," Ellen said.

  "No, I want Daddy to do it!" Scarlett nestled her face into James' chest.

  James laughed. "It's okay, Ellen, I can give her a bath." He placed Scarlett back on the ground. "Go say hello to your mother first."

  A few months ago, Scarlett wanted me to do everything with her. Now she greatly favored James and had to be reminded of my existence. I hated how fast time was flying by.

  But the beaming smile on her face as she ran toward me made my heart swell. I knelt down as she threw herself into my arms.

  "Hi, Mommy. Ellie took me to the park today!"

  "I heard, baby girl. Did you have fun?"

  "Yes." She pulled away from me and frowned. "But I'm just girl now. This is baby." Scarlett put her hand on my stomach and leaned down so her lips were a few inches from my belly. "Hello, baby. I get to go take a bath with Daddy. You're too little, but you can come with us when you're older." She turned and ran away from me.

  I put my hand on my chest. Tears were starting to well in my eyes. Scarlett was too young to be saying things like that. She would always be my baby girl. I wanted to freeze time. "I can come help too," I said as I slowly got to my feet.

  "No, I've got it," James said. "You should lie down for a bit." He lightly kissed my temple and ran after our daughter who was already charging toward the stairs.

  I turned to see Ellen pulling ingredients out of the fridge. "Do you want some help with dinner?" I asked.

  "Oh, no, it's okay, dear. Go rest. I'll call you when it's ready." Ellen turned toward the stove.

  I put my hand on my stomach. At least you still need me, little man. I wandered out of the kitchen. Scarlett and James' laughter drifted down the stairs. The sounds of pans clinking together echoed into the living room. I looked around at the spotless room. Everyone was busy being useful and I couldn't think of a thing to do.

  I slowly wandered down the hall and opened up the door to the library. I still remembered the first day James and I
moved into this apartment. We had played hide-and-go-seek and ended up in this room. Today the fireplace was off and we now had books covering every inch of shelf space. The other main difference was that there was a small desk set up in the corner. James had surprised me with it after we got back from our honeymoon. He had also dubbed this room as my office. But in reality it was just a library. I sat down at my desk and stared at the last line of the manuscript on my computer.

  "I grabbed my umbrella in one hand and my coffee cup in the other and walked out into the rain."

  The cursor blinked at the end. Whenever I stared at the cursor, my heart seemed to match the rhythm of its blinks. I closed my eyes and tried to picture sitting back at that coffee shop. I could feel the sense of despair from my head to the tips of my toes. It had felt like I had lost everything. Even then I knew that James was my one great love. I cried when I wrote the last chapter. I had found it hard to eat. Hard to focus. I had put myself back in that moment to the point where James was concerned about me.

  I opened my eyes and stared at the blinking cursor. This story was my heart and soul. How could it not be a good fit for any agency? How could they not see my tears on the pages? How could they not understand me?

  Maybe the end was too sad. There should have been hope. Or a happy ending. But I refused to change our story. It had felt like my life was over in that coffee shop. I had been numb. That's how this book had to end. The next one could end on a happy note. I pictured James proposing on one knee.

  I had started the next novel, but it was harder to write. Being apart from James almost ruined me. And I didn't want to think about that night with Tyler. Mostly because I didn't want to ask Tyler if it was okay if I wrote about it. I was going to change the names, of course. But I wasn't just going to release a book and hope he never heard about it. We were friends. Friends didn't do that. I thought about his wife, Hailey. Would she read it? Would she be upset?

  Just thinking about it made me close my laptop. That was the problem. I had told myself I was going to write a whole series. But I was too scared to write the second installment. I needed to talk to Tyler. He was coming over tomorrow night. I could ask him then. I thought about the things I had already written. Originally I meant to have this conversation when I first started writing. But I had chickened out. Writing about almost being with him was different than writing about our actual night together, though. It was possible that Tyler would veto the whole thing. So maybe it was better that no agency accepted it.

  I hated to think I had spent the last three years of my life working on something pointless. I immediately shook away the thought. Writing hadn't been the only thing I was doing. I was raising Scarlett. I could picture her when she was a baby. She would scream bloody murder whenever we laid her down in her crib. For that first year I wasn't sure I ever slept for more than two hours at a time. But I loved every second of it. Well, maybe not the week where she couldn't keep anything down and we were in and out of the doctor's office every day. I could have done without that week.

  "Don't scare me like that," I said and put my hand on my stomach. "Promise me you won't scare me the way your sister did." I waited for an answer. In a few seconds I felt the sharp kick under my ribs.

  Ow. I smiled. "That'll do," I said.

  "What'll do?"

  I looked up to see James leaning against the doorjamb with his arms crossed. He had lost the suit and tie. He was wearing a pair of faded jeans and a white t-shirt. His hair was pushed back like he had gotten it wet with the bath water. There were wet splotches on his shirt. And I had never seen him more handsome.

  "I was just talking to our son," I said.

  He walked into the room. "And what were you talking to our daughter about?"

  I laughed and shook my head. He was so stubborn, but he was going to be proven wrong when I gave birth to our son in a couple of months. "I was thinking about that week where Scarlett wouldn't eat anything. I was asking our son not to do that. He responded by kicking me, so I'm pretty sure we're on the same page."

  "All that baby does is kick you. I don't know whether that's a yes or a no."

  "It was a yes. I could tell. And you're right, he does kick me a lot. A whole lot more than Scarlett did. Just further proof that it's a little boy."

  "Hmm. Time will tell."

  I sighed. "Time. Time is going by too fast if you ask me. Did you hear what Scarlett said? That she wasn't my baby girl anymore. It was like a knife to my heart."

  "I thought it was adorable."

  "You think everything she does is adorable. Just wait until she's a teenager and she says she hates us on a daily basis."

  "Did you do that with your parents?"

  "No. But that's a thing that normal teenagers do I think."

  "Well, there you go. She won't do that because she's just like you."

  I laughed. "She is nothing like me. She's outgoing and carefree and completely like you."

  James sat down on the edge of my desk and folded his arms across his chest. His eyes fixated on my face as if he was studying me.

  I awkwardly tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "What are you staring at?"

  He didn't say anything. He just continued to stare at me intently.

  "James, seriously, you're freaking me out." I laughed nervously.

  He reached out and ran his hand down the side of my face. "Why after all these years do you still feel that you need to prove yourself to me?" He lowered his eyebrows slightly. "Are you not happy?" His hand fell from my face.

  "What?" I stood up and slipped my hands into his. "No, it's not that. I'm so happy. You, our family, I'm so so happy, James."

  "Then what is it?"

  "It's just...I put everything into this book. Maybe I didn't realize how much I needed approval until this moment. But all these rejections weigh on me. This character," I said and gestured to my laptop. "She's me. It feels like they're all saying that they hate me. As a human being. That I'm not good enough. That I'm worthless."

  "You are not worthless. Penny, you are the most amazing woman I have ever met. You are the most loving mother and wife. You're intelligent and stunning. And you have the most beautiful soul." He put his hand on the center of my chest. "Your heart beats with love and kindness and hope. And I don't know anyone else as worthy of everything they want in this world than you. So if what you want is for this book to be read, please, baby, let me help you get it into the right hands."

  "You haven't even read it. You don't know if it's any good."

  "If you wrote it with half the heart that you do everything else with, then I'm certain it's better than anything I've ever read."

  I hastily wiped the tears away from my face.

  "And if you shed one more tear over this book, let it be because you're celebrating hitting a bestseller list. Not fretting over a rejection letter from a company who wouldn't know what a good book was if it hit them in the face."

  I laughed.

  "There." He put his hands on both sides of my face. "That smile. How can you think that you're worthless when I live and breathe each day just to see that smile."

  I stood up on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around the back of his neck. He smelled like a mixture of children's berry scented shampoo and his cologne. It was the most glorious scent in the world. "Okay."

  "Okay what?" His hands slid down my back, igniting this flame inside of me that I hoped would never extinguish.

  "You can read it."

  A smile broke over his face.

  "But don't get all professorly on me and nitpick every little thing."

  He laughed. "We talked about this. Professorly is not a word. So if you've used that in your novel I'm going to have to point it out."

  "I've changed my mind. You can't read it now." I tried to wiggle out of his grip. I laughed as he pinned me to his chest and rotated us so that my ass was pressed against the desk.

  His kiss silenced my laughter. God, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in his
arms.

  "Dinner time!" Ellen yelled from the kitchen.

  James sighed and pressed his forehead against mine. "The timing of that woman."

  I laughed. "To be continued?"

  He grabbed my waist and pulled me off the desk. "To be continued."

  But we both knew that our night consisted of watching a children's movie with Scarlett and falling asleep on the couch. I was usually the first one to pass out.

  Chapter 4

  Friday

  Scarlett was smearing the pasta around her plate with her hand. A few months ago she had started refusing to sit in her highchair. I missed the days where she couldn't run off in the middle of dinner like a little banshee. She was giving me that look like she was eager to play tag. It was only a matter of minutes before she screamed "you're it" to no one in particular and took off. I wasn't sure if I had the energy to play tonight.

  "Honey, are you all done eating?" I asked. "How about we go wash your hands and get everything ready for movie night?"

  "I want Daddy to do it!" She slammed her hands back down on the pasta sending sauce flying off her plate. She giggled and smiled up at me.

  The smile lifted my spirits slightly, but I wasn't sure how many times she could say she didn't want me before I burst into tears in front of her. I knew it was a phase, but it didn't mean it wasn't hurtful.

  "I can help you, Scarlett," I said. "Let your father do the dishes and get the movie set up and we'll join him in a minute."

  "But." She stuck her bottom lip out and it looked like she was the one that was going to start crying. "Why can't Daddy help me?" She turned her adorable little face toward James.

  "Of course I can help you clean up, pumpkin," he immediately said. He stood up and lifted her off her booster seat. "Let's go get you washed up again."

  I sat there for a moment as they wandered off, wondering if that was it. That Scarlett was a Daddy's girl now and would never want my help with anything ever again. I sighed and started to clean up the mess she had left behind.

  Doing dishes was one of my least favorite things to do when I was pregnant. It was hard to lean over with my hands in the sink with my huge stomach in the way. And for just a brief moment I was bitter. Because James knew that. When I had been pregnant with Scarlett I had mentioned that it hurt to do dishes once and he had been on top of it every night. Or he would at least insist that they just soak in the sink for Ellen to do in the morning. He barely let me lift a plate.