The Light to My Darkness Read online

  I leaned down and buried my hands in the soapy water. I was scolded with a soft kick. I know, baby boy. But I'll do them quickly.

  There was no reason to be bitter. I rinsed off one of the pans and set it on the drying rack. James was being a good father. I understood that Scarlett came first now. And I was glad that they were two peas in a pod. I was.

  Damn it, so why am I crying? The hormones were making me feel insane. I blinked hard to try and will the tears away as I rinsed off another pan. James had just told me that he lived and breathed each day to see my smile. But that wasn't even true anymore. He lived and breathed to see Scarlett's beautiful smile. And sometimes, just sometimes, I missed having his undivided attention.

  "Ow." This time my hand went to my chest. The plate I was holding made a terrible clattering noise as it hit the side of the sink, and then it plopped back into the water. I closed my eyes and willed the sharp pain to go away. Ever since the doctor had told me about my condition, I had these phantom pains. I knew they weren't real because I had never had them before. It was just in my head. But no matter how many times I told myself that, it still felt like my heart was being sliced in two.

  I'm okay. We're okay. I looked down at my stomach. The pain slowly subsided and I reached back into the water and lifted up the plate. Luckily it had survived the fall. Everything's okay.

  "What are you doing?" James grabbed the plate out of my hand. There was an icy look in his eyes and a sternness in his voice that I didn't quite understand. "We were going to do those." He plopped Scarlett down on the counter and she leaned down and picked up a spoon out of the sink.

  "Daddy said we were doing dishes tonight, Mommy!" She slapped some of the bubbles in the sink with the spoon.

  James turned away from me. I thought maybe I had imagined his tone and the look in his eyes, but his back seemed rigid and uninviting.

  "Thank you." I lightly touched his back and leaned over and kissed the top of Scarlett's head.

  Neither one of them acknowledged me.

  I just knew I was a few seconds from bursting into tears and I didn't want to be seen. Tonight I wanted to disappear. I took a step back from the two most important people in my life. And I tried not to think about the fact that I wasn't sure either of them needed me anymore.

  The pain was back in my chest. But it wasn't like the one I had felt moments before. This one mimicked the way I had felt in the last few pages of my manuscript. Like I had just lost everything. And I didn't understand the feeling. My family was right in the other room. So why did I feel so far away?

  "You're hurting me," I whispered. I placed my hand on my stomach as I made my way up the stairs. It felt like the baby was doing a summersault in my belly. My hand gripped the railing tighter. It was like he was trying to tell me I should go into the family room and get the movie set up. But I just couldn't tonight. I didn't want Scarlett to see me cry. That was one thing I never wanted to do in front of my daughter. I wanted her to think I was strong. Even on the days where I felt weak.

  I knelt down before I even reached the bed and let myself cry. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was the feeling of not being needed. Maybe it was the rejection letter. Or maybe it was the fact that James had snapped at me when what I really needed was a hug. I had no idea. I just felt so defeated.

  "Penny, we're starting the movie!" James called from downstairs.

  I wanted my daughter to think that I was strong, but maybe that was a lie. Because right now I just needed James' arms around me. "James," I whispered. Ow. He could take away the pain. He'd know what to do. He always made me feel better.

  "Penny?" he called again.

  I waited for his footsteps on the stairs, but they didn't come. I lay down in the middle of the carpet. James didn't come to see if I was okay. He left me completely alone. I used to think he could feel when I needed him. He always just showed up. When had he stopped feeling my pain?

  Scarlett's ecstatic giggle and James' deep laugh drifted into the room from downstairs.

  It made everything hurt even more. How could he tell Mason about being worried about my health and then act this way? He could read me like the back of his hand. He knew I was about to cry downstairs. And he took my silence as me being upset with him. I need you, James.

  This wasn't concern. This was something else. I closed my eyes tight. Were we falling apart?

  ***

  The sun streaming across my face made me open my eyes. I wiped the drool off the side of my face as I slowly sat up. For a moment I was disoriented. But then I remembered falling asleep on the floor. I remembered the pain in my chest and my son fighting my poor decisions. I put my hand on my stomach. The pain was gone. But now my side ached from sleeping on the hard floor. Why hadn't James moved me? Why hadn't he asked if I was okay when he found me like this?

  I turned to look at the bed. It was still made. I swallowed hard. James never came to bed? I pushed myself up off the floor. I would have started calling his name, but I didn't want to disturb Scarlett sleeping in the other room. God, where was he?

  My heart felt like it was slamming against my ribcage. Had he left? I knew he was mad at me, but that was no reason to leave in the middle of the night. We hadn't even talked about what had happened. Why would he just leave? I went down the stairs as quickly as I could. Panic was starting to set in. There was always this thought in the back of my head. What if he started using again? Would I even be able to notice the signs? I grabbed my phone off the kitchen counter and clicked on his name in my contact list. I was just about to call him when I walked into the living room.

  I froze when I saw them on the couch. Scarlett's head was nestled on James' lap. She had her arms wrapped around his hand like it was one of her stuffed animals. James' head was leaning against the back of the couch. He looked ridiculously uncomfortable, but he was sleeping peacefully.

  All my worry and anger dissipated, replaced by this warm fuzzy feeling. I shouldn't have run off last night. I should have talked to him about the way his tone had upset me. But none of that really mattered. I knew he had snapped at me because he didn't want me doing dishes. He wanted me to be more closely following the doctors recommendations. How could I be mad at him for caring about my wellbeing?

  "I'm sorry," I whispered and sat down in front of them on the couch. I rested my head against James' thigh.

  He made a soft moaning noise, but didn't stir.

  James was the most caring husband, the sweetest father, and the best friend I could possibly ask for. If he wanted me to take it easy, I'd take it easy. Why would I hide in my room in pain when my whole life was in this room? We weren't falling apart at all. Our relationship had changed, yes. But change was a good thing.

  The problem was that I had never really been good at change. And soon our three would be four. James and I would have even less time together. I just needed to hold on to those moments in between. I needed to remember that our family was better when it wasn't just us. Sometimes the messiest moments were the most fun. I eyed the bowl of popcorn that had fallen on the floor. I smiled and closed my eyes. James would never slip. Scarlett and my smiles were enough to make him happy. And yours, baby boy. I placed my hand on my stomach. He's going to love your smile too.

  Chapter 5

  Saturday

  "Penny, what are you doing on the floor?" James whispered.

  I smiled. His breath was warm in my ear. I loved the feeling of him being close, even though I knew he was just trying not to wake Scarlett. I slowly opened my eyes. James was sitting next to me on the ground, his back against the sofa. Concern was etched on his face.

  "You never came to bed," I said quietly.

  He gestured toward Scarlett sleeping peacefully behind us. "We fell asleep watching the movie. Here, let me help you up." He put his hand out for me and pulled me to my feet.

  My back was stiff and my side was still sore from lying on the carpet for most of the night. But I hid my grimace. Today was a new day. And today, I d
idn't want there to be any hostility between us. I was going to start taking things a little more slowly like he wanted. If getting the cold shoulder last night was his plan for making me behave, it had certainly worked.

  I looked down at Scarlett. She had grabbed a pillow and was hugging it where James' hand had been a few minutes ago. She really was the most adorable little girl. I looked back up at James. He was staring at me, like he was waiting for me to say something. He was probably waiting for me to apologize. But before I could say anything, he grabbed my hand and led me out of the room.

  I hoped that didn't mean he wanted to argue with me. Heated words would surely awaken Scarlett no matter where we were in the house. That was the problem with open floor plans. I studied James as he pulled me into the kitchen. His posture didn't seem stiff and uninviting anymore. It was possible sleeping in an awkward position on the couch made it hard for him to look angry, though.

  "James, before you say anything, I just want you to know that I'm sorry about last night. But I thought when you took Scarlett to wash up that it meant I needed to clear the dishes. And it got me thinking about when I was pregnant with her and you barely let me lift a pillow, let alone do any cleaning. After the doctor told us about my heart murmur, I thought you'd be even more concerned. But honestly, it seems like you don't care." I was trying to fix the problem, but apparently my mouth just wanted to make it worse. "We barely even talked about it. We just agreed that we'd keep it between us and that I'd start taking it easy after Bee and Mason's wedding. That was it. You never asked if I was okay. Or if I was scared." I felt my lip trembling. "And then I had to find out from Bee that you told Mason and who knows who else. Which was embarrassing for me. I really didn't want anyone else to know about my health problems. I don't want anyone worrying about me, especially when it seems like the person I'm closest to doesn't even care." I wanted to poke him in the middle of the chest but I didn't want to make him any angrier. Instead, I placed my hand on the counter to steady myself. "It doesn't even seem like Scarlett needs me anymore. She only ever wants you." I started to cry big, ugly tears. "And, God, James, I'm not okay. I'm so scared." I put my hand over my mouth, effectively silencing myself from the words that wouldn't seem to stop.

  He immediately wrapped his arms around me and didn't say a word.

  "Say something," I sobbed into his chest.

  He ran his hand up and down my back.

  "Say anything, James."

  "I don't want you to give Scarlett a bath because I don't want you to strain when you pick her up to put her into the tub. And I don't want you doing dishes or lifting pillows."

  My laugh was muffled by his shirt.

  "And I didn't want to talk to you about any of this because I didn't want you to worry about me being worried. I was trying to be strong for you. But I'm scared too. Does that help? I'm terrified every day that the baby I put inside of you is going to kill you."

  Those were the words that I needed to hear. They were morbid. And horrible. I swallowed hard. But that was the truth I needed to hear.

  "And I'm mad at you for not following Dr. Nelson's advice. He didn't say to start bed rest in a week. He said now, Penny."

  I leaned back and put my hands on either side of his face. "And Dr. Nelson also said that he didn't necessarily mean I needed to lie in bed all day. He said to take it slow. Relax. No stress." I stared into his eyes.

  He lowered both eyebrows. "Are you saying that I'm causing you extra stress?"

  "By not talking to me? By snapping at me instead of saying what's actually bothering you? By pushing me away? Yes. I'm already worried about losing my son, I don't want to have to worry about losing you too."

  He pulled my face back into his chest. "We're not going to lose this baby. And you're not going to lose me. And Scarlett does need you. She's just going through a phase."

  I knew he was sorry. I could feel it in the way he was holding me. "I know, I'm sorry. And the baby and I are both fine," I said into his shirt. "We just had a checkup. We're both healthy." I said the words for myself as much as I did for him.

  "Your heart is leaking." James' voice sounded strained.

  "My very healthy heart is leaking." I could feel him shaking his head above me.

  "How about we cancel our plans tonight," he said. "We can get my dad to take Scarlett for the rest of the day. Then we can spend some time relaxing, just us."

  "Scarlett will crash after hanging out with her friends all evening anyway. Then we can have some much needed alone time."

  "If we can get everyone out of here. Why does it seem like whenever we have company they never leave?"

  "Because we're so much fun to hang out with," I said.

  He laughed and pulled back so he could look down at me. "How about you spend the day in bed until our company comes? It'll make me feel a lot better."

  "I swear, James. I'll go crazy sitting in bed alone all day."

  "Who said anything about being alone? Maybe you and Scarlett can draw or something while I read your manuscript?"

  My stomach felt like it flipped over, and for once it wasn't because my son was being poorly behaved. I had forgotten I told James he could read my novel. Now that he was actually going to, I was incredibly nervous. "You want to read it today?"

  "I want to at least start reading it today."

  "Maybe we should all draw together? You know how much Scarlett loves your stick figures."

  James laughed. "No, I know how much you love making fun of them."

  "That's because you're so good at everything except for drawing. Your stick figure proportions are completely ridiculous. I can't not make fun of you."

  "You're trying to change the subject."

  "No, I'm not. But I am going to casually walk away and go wake Scarlett." I smiled at him and turned to leave the kitchen.

  "And Penny?"

  I glanced at him over my shoulder.

  "I'm sorry I told my friends about your heart murmur. I just needed to vent because I was going crazy. It won't happen again. I'll talk to you next time instead of being compelled to talk about you. I'm really sorry." He looked so sincere. It made any other resentment I was holding on to completely evaporate.

  "It's okay. I understand. Let's just not start telling everyone else we know, okay?"

  "My lips are sealed."

  I smiled, remembering once when Rob had promised that exact same thing. He had pretended to lock his mouth closed and throw away the key. But he had immediately started talking again.

  "What?" James said. Apparently my smile was contagious because he was smiling now too.

  "Nothing. I was just thinking about how similar you and your brother are."

  James made a face. "Rob and I are nothing alike."

  "Oh really? How about the fact that you both care so much but are awful at expressing it? Or the fact that you're both still kids at heart? Or that neither of you can stop getting your wives pregnant?"

  James shook his head and laughed. "Go wake up Scarlett and tell her we get to eat breakfast in bed." He opened up the fridge and started rummaging through the options for what would probably end up being Eggo waffles. Ellen really did spoil us during the week. But I never minded Eggo waffles in bed. Actually, it sounded kind of perfect. I can't believe I was upset with him last night. He was the absolute sweetest. I wandered into the family room and knelt down in front of Scarlett.

  "Hey, Scar." I ran my hands down her arm. "Guess what we get to do today?"

  She yawned, but didn't open her eyes. "Zoo?" She immediately sat up, perfectly alert now, and started clapping her hands. "Zoo!"

  I laughed. "We get to eat breakfast in bed!" Saying no was never the best plan of action around Scarlett. She'd do that thing where her lower lip trembled and tears welled in her eyes. Then we'd have to say yes to whatever ridiculous thing she came up with. James was an even worse pushover than me. If he had been in here, he probably would have just said okay and we'd be spending the day walking around in the God f
orsaken heat.

  She blinked as she stared up at me. "In bed? But I want to eat with you and Daddy. Mommy, please. Why do I have to eat alone?"

  "Not alone. You get to eat with us in our bed. And we can spend the day drawing zoo animals. Lots and lots of panda bears."

  Her eyes seemed to grow with each thing I added to our list of activities. "I'll get the paper and crayons."

  I smiled as she ran off. One day she'd stop pronouncing crayons as "crowns." I thought my heart might break into a million pieces when that happened. Scarlett might not realize it, but she'd always be my baby girl.

  This time as I walked up the stairs, I was happy knowing that my family was coming up right behind me. I needed to count my lucky stars more often. I settled onto our bed.

  Scarlett ran into the room a minute later. She came to the edge of the bed and tossed her box of crayons and the biggest stack of paper up onto it. Then she reached out her little hands and made the grabbing motion that meant she needed help getting up. I leaned down and lifted her onto the bed.

  She crawled into the middle and plopped down right next to me. "Mommy, we have to draw four pandas. A mommy, a daddy, a little girl, and then a baby girl." She shoved a stack of paper on my lap.

  "You know, this could be a little boy." I pointed to my stomach.

  "Nuh-uh, Daddy said I'm going to get a baby sister." She grabbed a green crayon from the box and started drawing something that sort of resembled a bear. The green color really made me need to use my imagination.

  James laughed from the door.

  I looked up so that I could shake my head at him. He was starting to make Scarlett believe it was a girl too, which was ridiculous. But before I could say anything, I saw the tray of waffles in his hands. They were topped with chocolate ice cream and slices of banana.