This Is Love (The Light to My Darkness Book 3) Read online

  Reading about James’ love and experiencing it were going to be two very different things. I wanted to feel what I felt in the pages of my novel. I wanted to know what it was like to be truly loved and love in return. I was ready. I knocked on the door.

  It flew open in a matter of seconds.

  “Penny!” Melissa screamed and threw her arms around me. I swore she even lifted me up in the air a little. “Jesus! I thought you were dead in a ditch. Or worse.” She squeezed me so hard that it hurt. “Where the hell have you been?”

  God, what would be worse than being dead? She didn’t give me a chance to respond to her question. She let me go and stared at Tyler over my shoulder. And then back at me.

  Disappointment crossed her face. “You were with Tyler? We called him a million times. We called you a million times!” she yelled at him.

  “Penny wanted to talk to James in person about what happened,” he said. “She thought it would be better this way.”

  “Better what way?” Melissa let go of me. “Did you two…are you two…” She shook her head. “Penny, you’re making a mistake. You and James are meant to be together. You just need to give it more time.”

  What the hell was she talking about? Did she think Tyler and I were here together so that we could confess our undying love for each other to James? Why would she think that?

  I glanced up at all the people gathering in the foyer. Everyone. And I recognized their faces. Hailey, Tyler’s wife. Beautiful, perfect Hailey that fixed the heart I had broken. And Bee and Mason. Matt. Rob and Daphne. Jen and Ian. My parents and James’ father. All the kids were missing but I knew it was late. Really late. I looked around once more, but it actually wasn’t everyone. James was missing.

  “How could you, Tyler?” Melissa said. “How could you?” Her voice was filled with disgust.

  Tyler held up both his hands like he was innocent. Which he was. God, this really was not how I pictured tonight going. I wanted to come home and tell James everything. Tell him how I felt. I wanted a quiet night alone and he wasn’t even here. But everyone else in the world was.

  “Melissa, just stop for a second, okay? Nothing is going on with me and Tyler. Dr. Nelson attacked me on my way back here after my walk. Luckily Tyler was on a run and saw the whole thing. He followed us and saved me. Dr. Nelson is in jail. It’s over. It’s all over. Where is James?” I felt like I was breaking. “I need to see him. I’m remembering. I remember him.” My lip started to tremble. “Where is he?”

  Everyone was eerily quiet.

  “He went to go see our mother,” Rob said when no one else spoke. “He thought…we thought…” his voice trailed off. “It wouldn’t have been the first time that her actions hurt you guys.”

  “He’s with his mother? Right now?” Poor, James. He had given up on her after our wedding. They hadn’t spoken in years. Going to her would have been really hard for him. “He went alone?” Why would they send him alone?

  Rob nodded. “He said it was something he had to handle on his own.”

  I had been making James feel so alone ever since I woke up. Combining that feeling with seeing his mom? That wasn’t going to be good. It would have been easy for me to call him and tell him to come home. But if he was going to see his mom, that was a big step. And I needed to be by his side. He needed me and I was finally ready to be needed. “Can someone take me to them?”

  Rob didn’t ask why I didn’t want to just call. He just agreed without a second thought.

  I didn’t thank everyone for worrying about me. I didn’t thank them for coming together to search for me. All I could think about was James. I turned and walked right back out the door with Rob on my tail.

  ***

  “When did you start to remember?” Rob asked as he took another turn.

  Rain was pounding so hard against the windshield that the wipers barely looked like they were working.

  “I was having dreams. I didn’t…I didn’t realize that they were actually memories.”

  James’ parents had sold their house after the divorce. I remembered being sad about it because it meant James’ tree house would disappear. We had visited it one more time before the house went on the market. He assured me that he wasn’t going to miss it. And that maybe one day we’d have a house with a yard and that he’d build a tree house for Scarlett. I absentmindedly touched my stomach. Liam now too. The thought made me feel sick. Part of me wanted to tell Rob to drive toward the hospital instead, but I had a feeling that right at this moment my husband needed me more than my baby. I felt drawn to the outskirts of the city. The sprawling lawns and ornate houses. James was here. Somewhere.

  “How long has your mother been back in town?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t even realize that she was. James knew I guess.” He kept his eyes on the road.

  James knew. I wondered if he missed her. If he ever thought about forgiving her. She had never even met Scarlett. My heart felt like it was breaking. What if she never got a chance to meet Liam? I blinked away my tears as I stared out the window.

  “Do you remember me then?” Rob asked.

  I knew he was trying to lighten the mood. I turned to look at him and it was like I saw flashes of our past. Which contained a lot of me playfully shoving his shoulder and him cheesing way too hard. “Yeah. You’re the brother that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts.”

  A smile spread across his face. “The better brother.”

  “That’s debatable.”

  He laughed. “No, it’s a fact.”

  “Riiiiight.” I bit the inside of my lip. He really was good at making me laugh. So maybe he could tell me about Liam in a way that wouldn’t make me feel like throwing up. “How’s Liam doing?”

  All I could hear was the rain on the windshield again.

  “I don’t know, Penny. But he’s a fighter.” He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. “Like both his parents.”

  Chapter 6

  Monday - James

  My mom was holding her front door open and staring at me like I was a stranger. Maybe I was to her now. She seemed the same to me, though.

  “James,” she finally said.

  “Mother.” The word sounded strange coming out of my mouth. I hadn’t used it in so long. Except to refer to Penny as “your mom” to Scarlett. The fact that each of them held that title was shocking. Penny was so loving and kind. And my mother? Well, she was the kind of mother that just stood there instead of hugging you. Like she was doing right now.

  “What are you doing here?” She didn’t invite me in even though I was literally standing in the rain.

  “Penny’s missing.” My voice cracked. “I don’t know if you heard about the incident a few weeks ago…”

  “Of course I heard. It was all over the news.”

  I nodded. “I think the same guy has kidnapped her. I just…I wanted to know…”

  “You think I had something to do with it?” She lifted her chin slightly so that she was looking down her nose at me.

  I felt like I was a child again that was being scolded. “I just needed to ask. I needed to make sure.”

  “I told you I was sorry about what happened with Isabella. I told you and you didn’t believe me. I’m not the monster you’re making me out to be. I’ve been nothing but a good mother to you.”

  “A good mother? You forced me to marry someone I didn’t care about. You told me no one would ever care about me, only my money.”

  “I was looking out for you. And I was right, wasn’t I?”

  “Penny didn’t marry me for my money.” I didn’t know why I was having this conversation with her. We’d never see eye to eye. Whereas the rain made me feel close to Penny, the rain falling between my mother and me felt like an insurmountable distance. “She fell in love with me for me.”

  “And how did that work out for you? That whole amnesia thing? Probably a ruse for a divorce. And she’ll get half of everything. She’ll ruin you and drag our name through
the mud. She’s never been anything but a nuisance.”

  “I’ve thought about reaching out to you so many times. And up until tonight I’ve always made the right choice.” I shook my head and turned away from her. I started to walk down the front steps of the enormous house she bought with her settlement money. Her heart was as empty as all the rooms inside.

  “I don’t know what you want from me, James!” she yelled after me. “You want me to care after you’ve shut me out for over four years? You haven’t even let me meet my grandchildren. You won’t let me hold my only grandson before he might pass? I’m not the monster here. You are.”

  I figured she knew about Liam. Jen was still in contact with her. But to hear her throw my son’s health in my face as a bargaining tool? No fucking way. I was done. I turned around and walked back up the stairs. “If you cared, you would have called. You would have come to the hospital to see if he was okay. I don’t know how many days Liam has left. But I’m going to make sure that he’s only surrounded by people who love him for every single one of those days.”

  “And that’s me,” she said.

  I was shocked to see tears in her eyes.

  “Why do you think I moved back here? I wanted to be close to you again. To Rob. To my grandchildren.”

  Why now? “Penny is part of that. You didn’t bother to show up to Rob’s wedding. And you haven’t even met Daphne. You…”

  “I wasn’t invited.” She sniffed. “He didn’t invite me, James. My own son didn’t invite me to his wedding.”

  I didn’t know that. I knew that Rob had my back after what happened. But I didn’t know he didn’t send her a wedding invitation.

  “I confess, I didn’t think Penny was a good choice for you. I thought Isabella was a better fit. Status wise.” She pressed her lips together. “But I was trying. I was making an effort. But then she poisoned your mind after your wedding. She took you away from me. And Rob too. And all my grandchildren. She took everything away from me. She drove a wedge between us.”

  “You did that all by yourself.”

  She nodded like she actually agreed with what I said.

  “Penny and I are a package deal. If you don’t want her in your life then you can’t have me or your grandchildren either.”

  “Okay. I’ll apologize to her.”

  “You can’t just save face. You have to mean it. I think you’ll find that she’s really easy to love. Trust me. I fell for her harder and faster than I ever thought possible.”

  “I’ll mean it. I’m turning a new leaf, James. You’ll see.” She wiped away the tears in her eyes. “Can I come back with you tonight to see Liam?” she asked. “And Scarlett?”

  I shook my head. “I have to find Penny.”

  “Well, where have you looked?”

  “I’ve called everyone I could think of. Even friends from her past. I’ve been to all her favorite places in the city. She ran out on me a few days ago and went to Newark. But I don’t think that’s what this was. It seemed like she was starting to remember. I could see it in her eyes. I think something must have happened to her on her walk. And I’m tired. I’m so tired.” I felt myself breaking. My mom was smiling at me and acting human. “I need her, Mom. I need her and I can’t even explain how much.”

  It was like I couldn’t stop talking. I just kept going and going. Maybe it was because my mom was smiling at me for once. Or maybe it was because it finally felt like she cared. “These past few weeks have felt like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I just need to find her. And then worry about fixing everything after I tell her how much I love her. If something’s happened to her, I don’t know if I can keep going. She’s everything to me.”

  “Try looking behind you,” my mom said. The smile on her face was probably brighter than I had ever seen it.

  I turned around. Penny was standing at the bottom of the steps looking up at me. The rain hitting the pavement was causing steam to float around her. She looked like an angel. Maybe that’s what she was. After all, she had saved me.

  “Penny.” It felt like time slowed as I ran down the stairs.

  She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to disrupt your moment, I…”

  I pulled her into my arms and kissed her harder than I meant to. The way I used to. The way I knew she loved. I knew it was too much. I knew she was seconds away from pushing me back. From telling me she didn’t remember. That I was going too fast. That she needed time. But I needed this. For just one second I needed this.

  But she surprised me by kissing me back. And not just a timid, unfamiliar kiss. It was her. A kiss that I was used to. A kiss that reminded me of my version of Penny.

  She pulled away far too soon. “I love you, James.” She took my face between her hands and stared into my eyes. “I love you with all my heart. I only remember pieces of our life, but I know that much is true. You’re my everything too. Every. Single. Thing.”

  Her fingertips pressed harder against my jaw with each word she spoke, like she was trying to cling on to the present.

  “You came back to me.” My lips met hers again.

  “I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry I fought my heart. I’m so so sorry, James.” She wrapped her arms around the back of my neck to pull me closer to her.

  “You’ve always loved apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong.”

  She laughed. “You don’t have to use the same lines on me anymore. I’m remembering. I remember you saying that.”

  “And do you remember why you like the rain now?” I held her tight against my chest as it poured.

  “We met on a rainy morning. And you walked me home in the rain one night. You were there when I needed you. You have been ever since. And our first kiss was in the rain. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you in a storm. Isn’t that how our love has always been? Chaotic and scary and all-consuming? That kind of love? A love worth fighting for?”

  I smiled down at her. “A love worth fighting for.”

  She leaned closer and whispered in my ear. “I remember your mom not exactly being fond of me. Any chance that’s changed?”

  “I think maybe it just did.”

  She kissed the scruff on my jaw line. “Well, good. I’m a big proponent of second chances. And third ones.” She looked up with hopeful eyes. “I should probably go say hi, right?”

  I saw more than hope in her eyes as she stared at me. I saw love. I saw her. I took a deep breath. God I had missed her looking at me like that. Instead of letting her go, I hugged her harder. I wasn’t sure I’d ever let her out of my arms again.

  Chapter 7

  Monday - Penny

  I felt like I was dreaming. The rain hitting the asphalt caused clouds of steam to surround us, encasing us in a haze. His face was blurry in front of me, but I knew it was because of my tears instead of the rain.

  I had tried to push him away. I had tried to push love away. I couldn’t apologize enough. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and beg him for forgiveness. But he was holding me so tightly that I couldn’t move an inch. I could barely even breathe. And I wouldn’t change a thing.

  How many times had he held me like this in the past? I was seeing flashes of moments. Pieces of a puzzle that didn’t quite fit together. But it was enough. Just being in his arms would always be enough for me.

  “I can’t live without you, Penny.” His voice was muffled in my hair. “I can’t breathe without you.”

  His words caused more jumbled memories to collide, one after the next, until a longer one stuck. I could see it like it was yesterday, with the same cool rain falling around us.

  "I do trust you." He looked up into the sky.

  A raindrop hit my forehead. I looked up too. The drops fell faster until it was full on raining.

  He abruptly stood up. "Let's get back to the car," he said.

  Not when I was this close. "James, tell me."

  "You're going to get a cold."

 
"James, tell me!"

  "I've already told you. More or less." He put his hand through his hair. He looked completely distraught. "I thought you understood."

  "Understood what?" I felt so dense. "What am I not the answer to?" I stood up. "What did she mean when she said to stop running? What are you running from? Don't push me away again. Don't do what she said you would."

  "I was trying to protect you. I told you that."

  "But what are you trying to protect me from? Why do you think I shouldn't be with you? It can't possibly be that bad. Just tell me what it is."

  "Damn it, Penny." He pulled me against his chest and kissed me. It was angry and hard and hot. His hands slid to the small of my back. He pushed my shirt up slightly so that his palm was against my skin.

  "Stop." I pushed on his chest. He was so manipulative. "Stop using sex as a weapon."

  "I don't..." He looked at my face and released me from his grip. He took a step back from me. "I didn't realize I was doing that."

  What I had said seemed to hurt his feelings. But I couldn't dwell on it right now. That wasn't what I wanted to talk about. "Tell me what you're hiding. You told me no more secrets. Don't you want us to work? Tell me!"

  "I have told you! I told you that I was drunk all of college. I told you that I've had sex with dozens of women. I told you I threw myself into my career in order to avoid my life. Everything I did was so that I didn't have to face reality. Whatever horrible thing you can think of, I've probably done it. I told you I wasn't a good man. I told you that."

  I swallowed hard. The rain against my face felt soothing. I wasn't sure what to say. I did know all that. That couldn't be what he was hiding.

  "I'm an addict, Penny." He looked so young and so vulnerable.

  What? He didn't drink that much. He didn't seem like an addict to me at all. He usually seemed calm and collected and completely in control. And then Isabella's words came back to me. I didn't see it because he wasn't addicted to drugs or booze right now. He was addicted to me. I'm his drug?