The Light to My Darkness Page 6

  Yup, I was right about Rob. He was great at keeping secrets when he needed to be. "Cut the crap, Rob. I know you two were talking about me. James, you can't sue Dr. Nelson," I said and turned to him. "And you can't blame yourself for wanting another kid. I wanted another kid too. If you hadn't brought it up, I would have soon. And you most certainly can't blame our beautiful baby."

  "I'm not blaming any of them."

  "What? You just said you were going to sue Dr. Nelson."

  "No one said anything about Dr. Nelson. I want to sue Dr. Jones."

  "My last OB-GYN? Why on earth would you sue him?" James' brilliant plan was to sue the doctor that delivered Scarlett. Flawlessly. A retired doctor with one of the highest successful delivery rates in the state. The practice that Dr. Jones started was still the most prestigious one in the city. The only reason I had gone to a new OB-GYN from a different practice was because after Dr. Jones retired, Dr. Nelson was the best doctor left in New York. The two had even had the same graduate and post-doctorate training. What was James thinking? He'd never win that lawsuit. Truly, he'd never win a lawsuit against either of them.

  "Because apparently Dr. Jones had notes about you developing a heart murmur while you were pregnant with Scarlett. And he didn't tell us. The only reason I even know about it is because it was in the health records I requested from Dr. Nelson so I could look at everything for myself."

  "What do you mean?" There was no way that Dr. Jones knew. He would have told us. I shook my head. That didn't make any sense.

  "That's why Dr. Nelson didn't deliver the news with any tact. He thought we were already aware of the risk. He probably thought we were being incredibly irresponsible. If Dr. Jones had told us about it in the first place, you'd still be healthy. We could have seen a cardiologist sooner and discussed the risks of getting pregnant again. None of this would have ever happened. Your heart murmur would still be mild. You'd still be healthy."

  I put my hand on my stomach. "None of this would have happened? Are you saying you regret getting pregnant again?"

  "That's not..." his voice trailed off as his eyes landed on my belly. "I'm saying that if we knew ahead of time, we never would have tried for another kid. It's just making it worse."

  "It? It? Are you serious right now?" My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. I wanted to slap him, but my body was frozen. How could he say that about our son? How dare he?

  Rob cleared his throat. "Tread lightly, man. You don't want to upset a pregnant woman. Hormones and everything."

  I was going to kill both of them. "Do you regret having Scarlett too? For possibly giving me the heart murmur in the first place?"

  "I never said..."

  "How could you?" I was having trouble keeping my voice low. Scarlett was sleeping in the next room. We still had company over. But I couldn't seem to control myself. And the thought that Rob was right and that my hormones were taking over made me even madder. Screw both of them.

  "I didn't..."

  "You're lucky that our couch is comfortable. Because you're going to be sleeping on it." I stormed out of the room and almost ran straight into Daphne.

  "Is everything okay in here? You're going to wake the girls."

  "Everything is fine minus the fact that we're married to assholes."

  Daphne laughed.

  "Daphne, you're supposed to be on my side."

  "I have no idea what the three of you are arguing about. But if you ask me, they look very sorry." She looped her arm through mine and made me turn around.

  Rob had his bottom lip out like he was the saddest man on earth. James, on the other hand, was just staring at me with an expression I was all too familiar with. Those same sad big brown eyes that Scarlett flashed me whenever she was upset. Everyone said that Scarlett looked exactly like me. But I knew better. Those damn eyes. The eyes I could never say no to. He looked so dejected. And he should have been. He had said he never wanted our son. What was he expecting me to say? That I wanted to turn back time and never get pregnant? I loved our son with every ounce of my being. I was, after all, risking my life for his. I was aware of that. I wasn't an idiot.

  "Well, maybe you can take both of them home with you tonight. I want nothing to do with them." I walked past Daphne into the living room and scooped Scarlett up into my arms. God, my baby girl was getting so heavy. I ignored the fact that she was definitely over the weight limit of things I was allowed to lift now. I carried her up the stairs without looking back.

  James could sue whoever he wanted. I didn't care what he did with our money. Honestly, I couldn't care less. But he couldn't say he didn't want our son. Or Scarlett. I kicked the door shut with my foot. It slammed hard, waking Scarlett.

  "Mommy, where's Daddy?" she said and yawned.

  "You and I are having a slumber party tonight." I kissed her forehead and tucked her into the bed where James usually slept. I couldn't sleep alone tonight. And I didn't want James climbing into the bed in a minute saying he was sorry. I wasn't ready to forgive him yet.

  "Slumber party? What is slumber?" She curled up to me as soon as I climbed into bed.

  "It means to sleep. It's where best friends spend the night. And have fun hanging out."

  "Best friends?"

  "The people you want to spend the most time with in the whole wide world. Because you're happiest when you're together."

  "You're my best friend, Mommy." She grabbed my hand and held it to her chest like she was hugging one of her stuffed animals.

  Tears pooled in my eyes. That had to be the sweetest thing she had ever said to me.

  "You're my best friend too, baby girl." I kissed her forehead. "Now get some sleep."

  She sighed lightly and her eyelids drooped shut again.

  I watched her drift asleep in just a few seconds. She was so energetic all day. But as soon as her head hit a pillow, she was always out cold. Maybe when you had no worries in the world, sleep came easily. I hadn't been sleeping well ever since Dr. Nelson had delivered the news. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he had been rather tactless, just like James had said. None of it mattered, though. I didn't regret getting pregnant again for a second.

  I felt a sharp kick in my ribs.

  I'm on your side, baby boy.

  He kicked me again.

  Ow. I winced. Every day he was getting stronger. It wasn't like I wasn't aware of what was happening. Because every day I felt just a tiny bit weaker. It terrified me. But I was not angry at him. How could I possibly be angry at him?

  ***

  "Baby?"

  I slowly opened my eyes. The most handsome face in the world was just a few inches from mine. With those sad brown eyes. I had put the sadness there. The thought made my chest ache. Why couldn't I have a normal conversation with him? One where one of us didn't end up getting upset. Did my hormones really make me that insane? I felt like I had an anger hangover. I blinked, helping the room come into better focus. He was kneeling on the ground next to the bed. He was literally on his knees begging for forgiveness, when it should have been me groveling. "James, I'm so sorry."

  He put his index finger against my lips. "You and Scarlett are my whole world. There's not a day that goes by that I don't realize how blessed my life is. My life revolves around my girls."

  "James..."

  "And I do not, for one second, wish anything had gone any differently. But I can't pretend that I'm not..." his voice trailed off, like he was searching for the right word.

  "Scared?" I stared into his eyes. James always had trouble admitting his weaknesses. I knew how hard that was. How vulnerable he felt.

  He nodded. "I'm utterly terrified."

  "I'm scared too. And I'm sorry I freaked out. I just can't believe you said you wished we never got pregnant."

  "I never said that." He shook his head. "I said if we had known, we probably would have done things differently. But we didn't know. And now this baby is a part of our lives. I don't regret that. I'm sorry if I ma
de you feel any differently. I was upset, but I do love this baby. I love every piece of you." He put his hand on my stomach. "And now I feel like I need to ask our baby for forgiveness too."

  He pushed the sheets off of me and put both his hands on my stomach. "Hey, beautiful girl," he whispered.

  "Boy."

  James looked up at me. "I'm trying to have a private conversation."

  I smiled. "By all means, please continue."

  "Hey, beautiful girl," he said again.

  I shook my head and stared down at the side of his face.

  "I love you," he whispered. "With all my heart. I know you already know that." He kissed my belly. "But I need to ask you a favor. Please calm down with the kicking. You're hurting your mother."

  I laughed.

  James kissed my stomach again. "I can't wait to meet you," he said and ran his hand across my stomach. He looked up at me again. "Do you forgive me?"

  "I'd already forgiven you." I reached down and ran my fingers along the scruff on his jaw line. "Do you forgive me?"

  "I was never upset with you. Maybe I'll be a little upset if you really do force me to sleep on the couch though. May I come to bed now?"

  I patted the bed beside me. He climbed up and wrapped his arm around me.

  "She's the best thing we ever did." He reached behind me and pushed a strand of Scarlett's hair off her face.

  "Yes. She is. And just think." My eyes wandered back up to his face. "If I had been a second earlier to that door in the coffee shop, you never would have run into me. We never would have started dating. We never would have had that beautiful little girl. Everything happens for a reason, James. And we're going to get through whatever happens next together. I promise."

  Something flashed across his eyes. Pain maybe. It was too fast for me to be able to read him.

  "I told you I didn't want to change a thing," he said. He put his hand on the side of my face and took a deep breath, like he was breathing me in. "But if you think me hitting you with that door was our only chance at starting this, you're crazy." A playful smile formed on his face. "I thought you were a believer in fate?"

  "That doesn't mean I don't realize how lucky we are."

  "Hmm." He shifted even closer to me. "Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be this lucky."

  Chapter 9

  Sunday

  "Mommy."

  A little finger repeatedly jabbing me in the side made me open my eyes.

  "Mommy," Scarlett said and continued to poke me.

  "Good morning, Scar." She was standing up on the bed looking down at me.

  "I want in." She pointed between me and James.

  "Did you have a bad dream?" Usually Scarlett insisted on sleeping directly between me and James whenever she was scared.

  She nodded her head.

  "Come here, baby girl." I scooted over and tapped the bed beside me.

  Scarlett ungracefully jumped over me so she could nestle between us.

  James made a noise like he’d just gotten punched in the gut. Sure enough, Scarlett had kneed him right in the stomach.

  "Good morning, pumpkin," he said and kissed her forehead. "Good morning." He reached over and put his hand on the side of my face.

  I turned my face and kissed his palm.

  "Daddy, I had a bad dream." She nestled her face into his chest. "The snake monster talked to me."

  Snake monster? "What movie did you two watch the other night?"

  "She wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets again. I think I may have fallen asleep before her."

  I shook my head. We'd pretty much allow Scarlett to watch anything she wanted. But we usually turned it off at a certain point if we didn't think it was appropriate. Apparently seeing a gigantic snake was one of those things.

  "Scar, there are no snake monsters. It was just a movie."

  "Yes there are, Mommy." She turned to look at me. "I saw him. And he talked to me." She frowned, like she was waiting for me to question her. "Can storks eat snakes?"

  James laughed. "Time to get up, Scarlett. Grandpa is coming over today to hang out with you. He should be here any minute."

  "Grandpa!" Scarlett immediately dropped her question about storks.

  "He is?" I asked.

  "Yes, I figured while they're playing you and I could go get breakfast?" James climbed out of bed and looked down at me. There was a question in his gaze that I didn't quite understand.

  Did he think I was going to say no? "That sounds wonderful," I said.

  "Great. Let's go make you breakfast okay, pumpkin?" He squeezed Scarlett's shoulder.

  She jumped off the bed and fell on her knees. For a second it looked like she was going to cry.

  "You're okay." James picked her up and draped her over one shoulder.

  "Daddy!" she squealed with delight. There was no longer any trace of her impending tears.

  I sat there for a moment as I watched them disappear out the door. Sometimes Scarlett would get upset if she felt excluded. Maybe that was why James had looked worried after he asked me to go to breakfast. Or maybe he wanted to talk about something important. I certainly hadn't been acting like myself recently. I shook my head and climbed out of bed. Why was I analyzing how James had asked me? He was just being sweet. He wanted to spend more time with me. I didn't need to read between any lines.

  I quickly washed up and walked into the closet. There was a new dress hanging in front of the others. It was just like my favorite stretchy cotton dress, except it was a brilliant shade of blue instead of gray. James knew it was the only article of clothing that I felt comfortable in anymore. I smiled as I pulled it off the hanger. There was no reason to analyze his expressions or his words. Everything he did was out of love. I was ready to have a romantic day with him.

  I walked out of our room and down the stairs. James' father, Jon, was already there. Scarlett was sitting in his lap at the kitchen counter completely transfixed on her bowl of oatmeal, but not eating it.

  "Hello, darling," Jon said as I walked into the room.

  I leaned down and gave him a hug. "Hi, Jon. I see you two are already busy. What are you up to?" Scarlett was still staring at her bowl of oatmeal in the most unusual way.

  "Grandpa said I could make a design with the raisins," she said. "I can't decide if I should do a snake or a stork."

  I laughed. "It's going to get cold, Scar." I looked back at Jon and smiled.

  "She's a perfectionist," James said as he placed a bowl down for Jon. "Remind you of someone we know?" He nodded toward me.

  Jon laughed. "I was going to say you, son."

  "And I was going to say Jon," I said.

  The three of us all laughed.

  "I have an idea," Jon said to Scarlett. "How about you make a snake with your raisins and I'll make a stork with mine."

  "No, I want to make the stork. I'm scared of snakes, Grandpa."

  "But didn't you just say..."

  "I thought if I made a snake and ate it then I wouldn't be scared. But I don't want him inside of me forever."

  Jon raised his eyebrow, just like James so often did, and looked up at us.

  James shrugged.

  "Well, okay, sweetheart," Jon said. "How about we both make storks then?"

  She nodded and put her hand into the bag of raisins. "Don't forget the oven," she said and handed him a sticky fistful of raisins.

  Jon looked back up at us. "What is all this about snakes, storks, and ovens?"

  "You don't know about babies, Grandpa? I can teach you." Scarlett launched into the story James and I had spun.

  Jon shook his head and looked up at us.

  "We have to get going," James said and looped his arm behind my back. "We'll see you two later."

  "Okay, Daddy." She turned back to Jon. "But there's a timer, so the babies don't burn. And each oven has two storks just in case one misses the timer. And they're not allowed to potty at the same time."

  I tried not to giggle at Jon's exp
ression as we left them in the kitchen. "He's going to think we're awful parents." We stepped onto the elevator.

  "He was just telling me the other day how lovely Scarlett is. Maybe he'll think she made the story up herself and that he'd completely misjudged her."

  I slapped James' arm. "Oh, geez, what if he tells her the truth? An innocent story about storks is so much better than an explanation of sex. She's much too young."

  "I should probably text him?" He raised both eyebrows.

  "Absolutely."

  James pulled out his phone and sent his father a text. His phone bleeped a minute later with a response. "Yup, he said we're awful parents."

  "He did not." I grabbed his phone from him. The text read, "I'm not going to explain sex to a child. What do you think I am, a snake monster?"

  I laughed and handed James his phone back.

  The elevator doors opened. William was already standing by the car. He opened up the door when he saw us.

  I missed our old driver, Ian. It had been over a year since he had moved, but I still always expected to see his smiling face opening the door. Ian was practically family now. He had been dating James' sister, Jen, ever since our wedding. And he had quit so he could move across the country to live with her. It was romantic and wonderful. It didn't mean I didn't miss him though. Not that William wasn't great. He was. But he wasn't Ian.

  "Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Hunter," William said.

  That's what it was. It was the whole formal thing that bothered me. I couldn't break past that barrier with him. "Good morning, William," I said as he took my hand and helped me into the car behind James. One time I had called him Will and he had made such a horrendous face that a passerby would have thought I had spit on him. I had called him William ever since.

  He closed the door behind us.

  "We should give Jen and Ian a call," I said. "I think it's been a few weeks since we've talked to them. Really we should convince them to come early for Bee and Mason's wedding. Maybe they can stay at our place the whole week?"